Lightness of Being

Have you looked closely at a fractal? The complexity reflects perfectly what I feel as I experience more and more each day. Life seems to be SO complex. The closer you look, the more you see. Thankfully the speed at which my life is throwing itself at me allows me to both see repetitive patterns as well as the unexpected blinding flash of colour which takes you by surprise, but is just fascinating to view, although often uncomfortable or even painful. Just when you think you have found the reason behind, or the cause, or can explain something 'clearly' to yourself - bam - you turn a corner and find another layer, or another answer to a better question! This is so intriguing, especially if you can experience it's resultant emotions fully without denial. And sometimes you find yourself almost realising that there are more than one 'correct' answer, and even if one contradicts the other, they both may explain the situation simultaneously!
Just when I thought I knew exactly why I was where I am today in my marriage relationship, and could explain it in reams of notes here in this blog, I am prompted by my angel of a brother, to ask myself another question. I have always known that the trick is to ask the RIGHT question... And this one was a doozy: "What was so appalling that happened that cause you not to care whether you were trusted by your husband any more?"
At first this appeared to be inconsequential - however my heart shouted out her answer in no uncertain terms and what I heard from within me was extraordinarily life-changing. A crushing weight has been lifted, and the relief was deeply emotional, I sat for hours just experiencing it, just feeling it pour through me - yes it was a physical sensation - obviously a ton of ignored emotions or previously un-dealt-with 'stuff' was being let go, or released by my sudden understanding. I was left with an immense sense of lightness.
I realised I had the trust issue reversed, that my husband's actions had completely obliterated MY trust for HIM in April this year, and then stabbed me in the back, so to speak, in May. I am sure most couples have a shared truth that only two of you know - so when one takes that truth and exposes it and uses it against the other to hurt or control or blackmail... what else could one expect?
I was so alarmed and confused and so busy picking up the pieces that in the mayhem that followed, I managed to be held responsible for what had apparently caused his astonishingly bad behaviour (my E-Betrayal post outlines the supposed trigger for these incidents).
In this whirl-wind of drama, I completely missed the truth about what had really just happened - only now, in re-living it did I realise He was the one who wielded the knife, and I did not force his hand.
I do remember later wondering how on earth I could possibly have forgiven him, but I had, so I had not dwelled on it - too much else to deal with!
It also dawned on me that due to this destruction of our mutual trust, it was ME who could no longer trust HIM ! Not the other way around - which is what he had had me believing for the past year. My complete lack of trust and respect after those two instances was probably just being mirrored back to me - and answers clearly why I don't care if he trusts me or not, no wonder I treated the idea with disdain!
I went alone to the psychologist even if my husband had left the arena, as I wanted to tell her of this new revelation. I will now take the time to consciously deal with any un-addressed areas of blame and resentment, and also figure out in understanding all this, where to from here?
What I have noticed is that when I look down at my skin, the person showing through is more aligned with what is inside, - I am looking more like the real me -  which is the reason for going on this path in the first place.

...Read the next post for more fascinating developments...

...Read the post that preceded this one, go here: Care to be Trusted?

...Start at the Beginning of the exposure of my soul, go here: The Exposed Me

Care to be Trusted?

I tend to ask theoretical or academic questions I suppose because I like to view everything from as many perspectives as possible in order to understand them completely - I often find corollary's very informative - it just seems to broaden my picture - and plus I am just interested philosophically or psychologically... Also, words can mean different things to different people, and so definitions can vary, and answers to questions can depend on the definitions of the words used. An example is when the therapist asked us both, "Do you want to fix this?"- my answer was "Depends what your definition of FIX is - if you want it to go back to how it was before, then no - but, if we can find a solution where everyone is happy, then yes". I have discovered that my husbands' definitions of things are often completely different to mine, and so we are now tending not to be anywhere near understanding each other or communicating constructively - this is where I thought the sessions with a psychologist may be of great assistance.

An Urgent meeting with Me

I could not have been more prophetic - the next day turned out to be VERY interesting - rather like that Ancient Chinese Curse. I took my brothers' advice literally and put it to the test. Let me outline the bones of the event: Car keys were confiscated after a testy exchange, and I was told that he would take and fetch me, but I could not go alone. I said, absolutely not. So he was even more suspicious, and asked "who was I so determined to meet there?", I answered, "ME!", he reasoned, "So, I will take you there and you can still meet Yourself".... "No", I said, "then I would be meeting the Me-controlled-by-You!".

Stepping out of the Ring

In therapy it was explained to me that how she sees us working towards a positive resolution in our relationship, "depends on how much he is prepared to change his ways". My immediate response was to note that this is highly unlikely - after all I do know something about this man after two decades joined at the hip. When he left to go to his individual session, for what he said would be the last time, and I wished him well and hoped that it would be constructive - he turned to me and said that "there is very little she and I can do to change you. You are set on your path and have decided where you are going, so there is very little we can do. I think it is a waste of time unless you choose to change." I suggested he just start with that statement and hear what she advises, and see what can be done. He left with no response.

Let me Qualify...

In a quiet moment, my husband felt the need to, what he termed; "pour his heart out to me and tell me how he felt". I was silent and listened for a while - there was nothing new said, but he was obviously in a mood of reasoning, honesty, and what I hoped was a new perspective, and looking at the whole situation with a bit more clarity. I was not planning on reacting or passing any comment - just the opposite, wanting to be silent and listen. I was passionless, and would not be drawn in - the memory of him retracting any niceties just recently has made me unemotional and not 'hooked' by his words - I will not be swayed by too much hope in his words.

Seeing Eye-to-Eye

How do you reach 'an amicable solution' when one party feels hard-done-by? Is this even possible? From which party does the reasoning have to come from? At what point does it get through to the 'hard-done-by' party, that resisting makes it worse or is destructive? What would make them want to be constructive, anyway? In my situation, why does the argument seemingly always come down to his perception that if we do it my way, he gets nothing of what he wants and I get everything I want? Really? How does one logically reason this out? Let's simplify it with examples of differing wants, and perhaps we can work out where the logic is breaking down....

What if I want you, but you don't want me? Then we would have to define "want"- so lets say, I want to have sex with you, and you don't want to have sex with me.

Hilarious Interlude

And now for something completely different... Well - not so different in it's message... I laughed till I cried when I read this - ENJOY IT!

Young King Arthur and his page-boy were ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed them but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals.
So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he and the page would be put to death. To be sure he returned, the monarch kept the page-boy as hostage.
The question? What do women really want?

Bending our Own Reality

I caught myself blanking out negative events which I were not enjoyable or constructive, but which had really taken place and either upset me or went against what I wanted my reality to be. Thankfully, and this is how I discovered how good I was at not storing unpleasant memories, I had written the incidents down the same day. Days later I had a niggling feeling something had happened that would be helpful to take into consideration when dealing with the present situation - I pulled out my notes, and had to read them a couple of times, so that I could finally put myself back in the story and really remember what I had felt during this unpleasant incident.

So many Questions...?

Nice. What does being 'nice' entail? If you are acting from love and not fear, then are you automatically 'nice'? But being nice seems to imply some sort of expectation of behaviour, and if you don't live up to it, then you are 'not nice'. And is there any responsibility for us to be nice? what sort of behaviour is considered nice, anyway? If you are for instance, finally speaking the truth, it may be perceived as betrayal by another, and therefore not nice at all! Yet it is done out of love, for yourself and for the other.

Unthinkable Freedom

I quote two thought-provoking authors here, Colette Dowling and Tom Robbins, as I attempt to apply these eloquent truisms to my personal life, empowering myself and supporting my inner sensibilities...
From Cinderella Complex: "freedom and independence can't be wrested from others - from the society at large, or from men - but can only be developed painstakingly, from within."

From Jitterbug Perfume: "Our individuality is all, ALL, that we have. There are those who barter it for security, those who repress it for what they believe is the betterment of the whole society, but blessed in the twinkle of the morning star is the one who nurtures it and rides it, in grace and love and wit, from peculiar station to peculiar station along lifes' bitter-sweet route."

"...To achieve the marvellous, it is precisely the unthinkable that must be thought."

"...we must think unthinkable thoughts and ask unanswerable questions. Yet we must not lose ourselves in abstract vapours of philosophy ...Never underestimate how much assistance, how much satisfaction, how much comfort, how much soul and transcendence there might be in a well-made taco and a cold bottle of beer."

"...ultimate answers cannot be given, they can only be received ... each person must figure out things for themselves."

...Read the next post for more of uncovering of my Soul in So Many Questions...?

...Read the post that preceded this one, go here: Exposed Privacy

...Start at the Beginning of the exposure of my soul, go here: The Exposed Me

Exposed Privacy

One of the major issues which has been highlighted during this entire process I am experiencing, is that of Privacy. And when does Privacy impinge on Honesty? Not honesty with yourself, although I must remind myself to be conscious of whether I am hiding from my own truth, but honesty and openness with another. In my recent experiences, some detailed in this blog, boundaries have been crossed and privacy, in my opinion, invaded, rather than shared. It has made me wary of being totally open with another, as I have discovered that sharing your weaknesses, can (and will) be used against you when the other is threatened or fearful. Respect for anothers' privacy is, to me, of utmost importance, and one of the backbones of integrity (for example, snooping in anothers' private things whilst they are away), however it extends far further than this - into the realms of anothers' thoughts, dreams, desires.

The Awakening

There comes a time every so often, when one needs to feed one's soul and re-read the THE AWAKENING by Sonny Carroll:

A time comes in your life when you finally get it ... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And you begin to look at the world through new eyes.  This is your awakening ... 
You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of 'happily ever after' must begin with you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. 

Energy Redistribution

After our first couples therapy session, ever, we argued the rest of the day and did not stop for five days - it got worse and more uncompromising than ever. I felt very hard and dry inside with my heels firmly dug in the earth. I was ready to write to the therapist to cancel the next appointment - it seemed pointless. His interpretation of what was said during the session is so different from mine.
I just give up... but I have not stopped working on myself, and I now make myself aware of being grateful for even the bad things that are happening, because they show me so clearly what I don't want or can't live with. Within my heart I really feel like I am in a good place, amazingly - it does not always feel like it on the outside, but when i quietly go within, I am happy and at peace.
My Heart made me aware of a startling situation (my Head freaked when it heard this!):

Heart to Head

My Brother gently gave me his sage advice, borne out of recent experience in the disruption of marital relations and the pain of juggling shared parenting. Once again I was taken aback by the generosity of spirit, the non-judgemental attitude (true love!) and the validations of me as an individual whose thoughts are not as way off as I have been led to believe. He said the following: "Whilst philosophically sound your truth will need to be played out in real life, everyday life. Mom and I will support you in this journey without judgement in which ever path you choose. The first thing I learnt in my experience, is that whatever path is chosen, the child must be and must remain the primary focus. Everything else comes second.

A Mothers' Love

After sending my best explanation to my mother and brother, I waited for their response - really not knowing at all what form it would take. When I received it, I was blown away! Although an outsider would have expected nothing less, I had only hoped for an honest assessment, and anything more would have been a bonus - but this was a validation, a respect for my ideas, my emotions, my thoughts - WOW - I had not expected that. It was extremely comforting and empowering, and of course made me weep in humility.

Lost or Found

I tried my best to explain in a nutshell what was going on: "For the duration of our lives together, I was given whatever I asked for and I appreciated it all, we had an ideal relationship, I worked hard at creating the ideal domestic life knowing full well where my restrictions were, and I chose that path willingly. I created 'us' and loved it.
At the same time I grew old enough to change and mature and become less tolerant of being controlled and moulded and guided. I began missing 'me'  - I no longer had my own identity, having 'lost myself' and lived what 'we' were.
I have now made a choice to have time to be with 'me'. I know some of these phrases seem clichéd - but they are very real to me. As Dad always said - "You have to lose yourself, so that you can find yourself". He appears to have been so right, and I would like to find myself now - why else would we be in this life?

Pendulum Swings

One day when it had been particularly tough, I asked for a miracle….
I thought I received it later that evening when I had the revelation that if I believed in my heart that this would all turn out for the good, that what I was yearning for (my identity, freedom, need to find and be who I truly am) would be the RIGHT thing for me, and thus for everyone else, (I really DO believe this in my heart),  then there is nothing to fear… Fear Naught! This left me with such a peaceful feeling in my heart, and I thought things could only get better.
NOT!
The drama escalated. The behavior vacillated between tragic vulnerability, and panicked, wounded boar, became extremely challenging. The insubstantial promises and wild threats. The lofty aspirations and the absolute disdain. When I wasn't questioning His sanity, I was questioning Mine.

Us? or You-and-Me?

I continued to spell out how I foresaw a solution of a new relationship, listing more examples of areas where our attitudes needed to be revised:
"Once we are both behaving as our true selves, at each moment, then who knows what change in the relationship will develop? Can we just lighten up please? I would like to stop all bickering, sarcasm, complaining, arguments, accusations, nastiness, and only say pleasantries to eachother or nothing at all. Behaviour between us in private and in front of our child and anyone else will be calm, relaxed and positive at all times. Also, let's give up on analyzing everything. Lets start with a clean slate where we both aim for a positive outcome for the other wherever it is within one’s power i.e.: neither will not purposefully try to make things uncomfortable or difficult for the other – that we work off the premise that neither will try to ‘destroy’ or ‘sabotage’ or ‘punish’ the other by, for example; - sending damaging emails, removing house or car keys or locking the other out, emptying out bank accounts, or having the attitude, ‘if I go down, I’m taking you down’ – any revengeful or vindictive behaviour...

Clear as Mud

My truth and what I wanted to release (see Letting Go and Love without Need) was perceived as a complete reversal of my previous agreement - His reply was long-winded but it ended on a promising (and somewhat romantic) note, and tells his side of the story and how he sees me:   "... from the day you returned to me 22 years ago, it has been my desire to spend every waking moment with you and sharing every sunrise and every sunset. Suddenly this last year this has not been convenient to and it is not convenient to any woman who is suddenly on the prowl in the hope of attracting a younger and more handsome mate. So this I do understand .and have no defence for I understood there would be a possibility of this being the consequence of you choosing to fall in love at 18 with a man 21 years your senior.

You made you choice, you took the marriage vows and you have no valid reason to excuse yourself. I love you, I adore you, I enabled you huge freedoms, which you have enjoyed and I want as my greatest wish that you be happy and fulfilled so I am prepared as you know to come to any arrangement to ensure life is a comfortable and fulfilled as possible. There is no limit to the reasonable accommodations I am prepared to concede to ensure your stated wishes..."

However in the days that followed it became clear that he did not quite understand my letter of Letting Go, so within a week, whilst lying in my hammock contemplating my soul, I penned another, hopefully clearer more concrete 'agreement' as Further Clarification: A Blueprint for the basic attitudes with which to live, now that our relationship has changed...

E-Betrayal?

My husbands' reaction to my Letting Go letter the following day, did not start well, describing it as: "... your idea of a sincere and loving epistle meant to impress anyone who did not know the truth of the facts…". He went on to explain at great length the many months where he "suffered extreme distress and emotional strain cause by my sudden change in behavior brought on my menopause..." and that he believed I had become emotionally involved with someone else, and this was 'confirmed', in his opinion, upon his discovery (after snooping in my deleted gmail folder!) of a private email (consisting of two words: Bon Voyage) which I had tried to hide from him by including the instructions "please do not reply to this email". He wrote that this constituted an undeniable breach of trust which we have always valued so highly between us.
Aaaah - THE EMAIL that changed our lives!  He was quite right - but really was it that big a breach? I had apologized many times for this explaining there was not hidden agenda. Let me try again to explain in detail here:...

Love without Need

I continued from Letting Go... "We do not need to turn this into a tragedy. We need to see it as the beginning of something even more beautiful – even better.

I am not suggesting this change in our relationship because I want something I cannot get within it. But rather because I feel your actions and attitude to both our marriage and life in general, are destructive to my feelings of wanting to expand/grow myself. I feel repressed, trapped and constricted. I feel like I have to be someone you want me to be rather than explore who I really am and can become. I am frustrated and feel reduced by your attitudes and actions and I would love to have your agreement to let it go and strike up a course of action in which everybody can win. Please understand, there is NO blame here, and I am most definitely NOT blaming you. You are free to behave as you wish, and I was, and am, free to choose to agree with it or not. I chose to follow your rules for the last 22 year, not grow my own, but obey.

You have asked many times how I feel towards you now...

Letting Go

Well... the plot I laid out in My Private Soap Opera didn't work out too well! One month later, to the day, he was not satisfied that his share of the Trade had been adhered to well enough by me, plus, he had broken my deal-breakers by discussing our (particularly my) sex life to others.

During this time, two quotes really struck a note with me: 'Promises are worse than lies, because you don't just make them believe, you also give them hope; for something you're not sure you can do.'
and 'Betrayal of the self in order not to betray another is the worst type of betrayal'.
So once again on this 22nd day of the month, during a precious scheduled time to myself (which was the major part of the agreements we had reached), I sat down and the following words flowed out of me, producing this letter which I presented to Him:

My Private Soap Opera

When was the pilot episode of this soap opera of my relationship?
This is not an easy question to answer... a reference point was earlier this year when I just HAD to come up with a solution to the very real problems in our relationship which were getting worse - and without having defined or clarified them, even within myself, I took the symptoms and tried to find remedies for each. This was the best I could do at the time. I had not yet gone through the painful months of analysing and distilling the emotions, all the reams of reading in books and online, trying to find some sort of root causes.
After a very late night tearful and emotionally draining discussion, where I broached the subject of what I needed now in my life and maybe we should consider trying it out, and we did... for a whole month, then all hell broke loose...

Improper Love

In a moment of inspiration I came up with the following thoughts on LOVE:
I think the 'proper' expression of love is important:

One must not to expect ANYTHING in return. And neither must unrequited love be heartbreaking!  Love ought to just be 'put out there' and felt fully, and that is it! And conversely, one surely must not feel responsibility towards someone who loves you - don't feel as if there is obligation of reciprocal expression - nor guilt for not feeling it.

If love is expressed differently from this, then perhaps it should not be called love, but some other derivative of it? Or... if it is still love, because it is expressed 'improperly' it will lead to problems and conflicts within yourself.
"The gift of pure love allows you to bless others and accept them without condition, granting them the freedom to make their own choices and live with them, and giving your Divine Self the freedom to do the same."- Neale D Walsch
ED: This is no longer available: I would also like to add the following link to a beautiful photo depicting love without expectation on Facebook - Click Here - beautiful!

My Truth vs Your Truth

This post is a letter I wrote to my spouse in response to his proclamation « You are a silly little girl and you don’t know what you want ».

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Yes Darling, you gave me whatever I asked for throughout our 22+ year relationship. No, you did nothing wrong, and wanted nothing but the best for me. And I really appreciated it all.

It was made very clear early in our relationship, that for us to continue, I could not be my own person, that doing anything or even wanting to do anything separate from you, or not shared with you, would constitute that I did not love you, and the relationship would not work. Also it was made clear that I should feel as if I earned all the benefits you were bestowing on me, hence my work over the years for you and your companies.

Choosing your Box

Sitting contemplating my Sudoku of the day, I found myself suddenly overwhelmingly envious of one of the numbers which I could see could fit into any one of 5 or 6 empty squares. I thought, "Lucky YOU! You, number 6, are free to choose to go in any one of those available little boxes. You are not designated to any box by any form of logic at this time."
Don't we all have the choice as to which box we fit in?

Kick-started by a Free Spirit

This all started with a feeling of:
What I show on the outside of me, does not represent what I 'see' or feel on the inside.

The Catalyst. Yes there was a catalyst... which has almost has taken on a sinister character, given all the disruption it caused. This catalyst could not have been the only one, it just happens to be one that stays in my heart and mind. There must have been many other contributing factors which lead me to start listening to my inner voice more and more often.
One day Someone said something casually, but with such confidence and enthusiasm, which stopped me in my tracks (those same old rutted tracks of our thoughts that we get stuck in). A sort of jaw-dropping moment where I thought

The Exposed Me

I am a soul who has been hidden for too long. It decided this year, enough is enough, it is time to emerge and be visible! What a painful year 2012 has been, and yet I created it - it must be a big lesson I am trying to get through from my heart into my consciousness. But stop it or slow it down - I cannot. And it keeps bursting forth in my notes to myself... which I have always written, but which were never intended to be read.

I have a huge aversion to sharing my real or deepest feelings - this excruciatingly personal process of exposing my soul is so contrary to my past natural behavior... This morning this blog idea just popped into my consciousness (clearly coming from my soul) and it amused me so much.
So here goes, if for no other reason than the irony of it makes me smile!
I thought, let me put my heart-thoughts, head-thoughts, wisdom and soul-humour into a blog... maybe somewhere out there someone is also going through a similar sort of relationship with their soul and they would like to read or share whatever insights my soul is giving me, and perhaps they could relate to this and take comfort in knowing that someone else is going through this cataclysmic change coming from within.
And when I am at a loss as to how to handle the force of the evolution and how it affects ones closest relationships with spouses, children, parents, family and friends - in other words, the world out there, perhaps I could get feedback from other emerging souls on how to put things in perspective,  prioritise values, find solutions, and follow a path of choice.

If nothing else, I will enjoy putting all that is inside, out there! It seems like a symbolic gesture of putting my heart on my sleeve - making my soul visible - so as to become my authentic self.

A note to the reader - no matter how much I share, you will never get a full understanding of the entire situation, and when individual incidents are highlighted, a very skewed perspective can be drawn, and added to that; you are only hearing my side of the story. So please treat these drama's with that in mind - they are not isolated, stand-alone incidents. 

I do not blame, and I have no expectation for apologies. If I understand, then there is no requirement to forgive (does not mean I agree with or condone it). If I have no need or expectation of a need to be met, then there is no fear nor resultant anger (actually, that last one is for Saints I think - I'm still human! :)

"The Authentic Self is the Soul made Visible" - Sarah Ban Breathnach

...If you are keen to read the next post in this revealing story, click here: Kick Started by a Free Spirit
...Or choose from any number of my posts Here: The Visible Soul - listed from the earliest at the bottom, to the most recent at the top.