An Urgent meeting with Me

I could not have been more prophetic - the next day turned out to be VERY interesting - rather like that Ancient Chinese Curse. I took my brothers' advice literally and put it to the test. Let me outline the bones of the event: Car keys were confiscated after a testy exchange, and I was told that he would take and fetch me, but I could not go alone. I said, absolutely not. So he was even more suspicious, and asked "who was I so determined to meet there?", I answered, "ME!", he reasoned, "So, I will take you there and you can still meet Yourself".... "No", I said, "then I would be meeting the Me-controlled-by-You!".

Seeing Eye-to-Eye

How do you reach 'an amicable solution' when one party feels hard-done-by? Is this even possible? From which party does the reasoning have to come from? At what point does it get through to the 'hard-done-by' party, that resisting makes it worse or is destructive? What would make them want to be constructive, anyway? In my situation, why does the argument seemingly always come down to his perception that if we do it my way, he gets nothing of what he wants and I get everything I want? Really? How does one logically reason this out? Let's simplify it with examples of differing wants, and perhaps we can work out where the logic is breaking down....

What if I want you, but you don't want me? Then we would have to define "want"- so lets say, I want to have sex with you, and you don't want to have sex with me.

Unthinkable Freedom

I quote two thought-provoking authors here, Colette Dowling and Tom Robbins, as I attempt to apply these eloquent truisms to my personal life, empowering myself and supporting my inner sensibilities...
From Cinderella Complex: "freedom and independence can't be wrested from others - from the society at large, or from men - but can only be developed painstakingly, from within."

From Jitterbug Perfume: "Our individuality is all, ALL, that we have. There are those who barter it for security, those who repress it for what they believe is the betterment of the whole society, but blessed in the twinkle of the morning star is the one who nurtures it and rides it, in grace and love and wit, from peculiar station to peculiar station along lifes' bitter-sweet route."

"...To achieve the marvellous, it is precisely the unthinkable that must be thought."

"...we must think unthinkable thoughts and ask unanswerable questions. Yet we must not lose ourselves in abstract vapours of philosophy ...Never underestimate how much assistance, how much satisfaction, how much comfort, how much soul and transcendence there might be in a well-made taco and a cold bottle of beer."

"...ultimate answers cannot be given, they can only be received ... each person must figure out things for themselves."

...Read the next post for more of uncovering of my Soul in So Many Questions...?

...Read the post that preceded this one, go here: Exposed Privacy

...Start at the Beginning of the exposure of my soul, go here: The Exposed Me

The Awakening

There comes a time every so often, when one needs to feed one's soul and re-read the THE AWAKENING by Sonny Carroll:

A time comes in your life when you finally get it ... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And you begin to look at the world through new eyes.  This is your awakening ... 
You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of 'happily ever after' must begin with you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. 

Love without Need

I continued from Letting Go... "We do not need to turn this into a tragedy. We need to see it as the beginning of something even more beautiful – even better.

I am not suggesting this change in our relationship because I want something I cannot get within it. But rather because I feel your actions and attitude to both our marriage and life in general, are destructive to my feelings of wanting to expand/grow myself. I feel repressed, trapped and constricted. I feel like I have to be someone you want me to be rather than explore who I really am and can become. I am frustrated and feel reduced by your attitudes and actions and I would love to have your agreement to let it go and strike up a course of action in which everybody can win. Please understand, there is NO blame here, and I am most definitely NOT blaming you. You are free to behave as you wish, and I was, and am, free to choose to agree with it or not. I chose to follow your rules for the last 22 year, not grow my own, but obey.

You have asked many times how I feel towards you now...

Kick-started by a Free Spirit

This all started with a feeling of:
What I show on the outside of me, does not represent what I 'see' or feel on the inside.

The Catalyst. Yes there was a catalyst... which has almost has taken on a sinister character, given all the disruption it caused. This catalyst could not have been the only one, it just happens to be one that stays in my heart and mind. There must have been many other contributing factors which lead me to start listening to my inner voice more and more often.
One day Someone said something casually, but with such confidence and enthusiasm, which stopped me in my tracks (those same old rutted tracks of our thoughts that we get stuck in). A sort of jaw-dropping moment where I thought