Stepping out of the Ring

In therapy it was explained to me that how she sees us working towards a positive resolution in our relationship, "depends on how much he is prepared to change his ways". My immediate response was to note that this is highly unlikely - after all I do know something about this man after two decades joined at the hip. When he left to go to his individual session, for what he said would be the last time, and I wished him well and hoped that it would be constructive - he turned to me and said that "there is very little she and I can do to change you. You are set on your path and have decided where you are going, so there is very little we can do. I think it is a waste of time unless you choose to change." I suggested he just start with that statement and hear what she advises, and see what can be done. He left with no response.

Hilarious Interlude

And now for something completely different... Well - not so different in it's message... I laughed till I cried when I read this - ENJOY IT!

Young King Arthur and his page-boy were ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed them but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals.
So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he and the page would be put to death. To be sure he returned, the monarch kept the page-boy as hostage.
The question? What do women really want?

Bending our Own Reality

I caught myself blanking out negative events which I were not enjoyable or constructive, but which had really taken place and either upset me or went against what I wanted my reality to be. Thankfully, and this is how I discovered how good I was at not storing unpleasant memories, I had written the incidents down the same day. Days later I had a niggling feeling something had happened that would be helpful to take into consideration when dealing with the present situation - I pulled out my notes, and had to read them a couple of times, so that I could finally put myself back in the story and really remember what I had felt during this unpleasant incident.

The Awakening

There comes a time every so often, when one needs to feed one's soul and re-read the THE AWAKENING by Sonny Carroll:

A time comes in your life when you finally get it ... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And you begin to look at the world through new eyes.  This is your awakening ... 
You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of 'happily ever after' must begin with you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. 

Lost or Found

I tried my best to explain in a nutshell what was going on: "For the duration of our lives together, I was given whatever I asked for and I appreciated it all, we had an ideal relationship, I worked hard at creating the ideal domestic life knowing full well where my restrictions were, and I chose that path willingly. I created 'us' and loved it.
At the same time I grew old enough to change and mature and become less tolerant of being controlled and moulded and guided. I began missing 'me'  - I no longer had my own identity, having 'lost myself' and lived what 'we' were.
I have now made a choice to have time to be with 'me'. I know some of these phrases seem clichéd - but they are very real to me. As Dad always said - "You have to lose yourself, so that you can find yourself". He appears to have been so right, and I would like to find myself now - why else would we be in this life?

Love without Need

I continued from Letting Go... "We do not need to turn this into a tragedy. We need to see it as the beginning of something even more beautiful – even better.

I am not suggesting this change in our relationship because I want something I cannot get within it. But rather because I feel your actions and attitude to both our marriage and life in general, are destructive to my feelings of wanting to expand/grow myself. I feel repressed, trapped and constricted. I feel like I have to be someone you want me to be rather than explore who I really am and can become. I am frustrated and feel reduced by your attitudes and actions and I would love to have your agreement to let it go and strike up a course of action in which everybody can win. Please understand, there is NO blame here, and I am most definitely NOT blaming you. You are free to behave as you wish, and I was, and am, free to choose to agree with it or not. I chose to follow your rules for the last 22 year, not grow my own, but obey.

You have asked many times how I feel towards you now...

Choosing your Box

Sitting contemplating my Sudoku of the day, I found myself suddenly overwhelmingly envious of one of the numbers which I could see could fit into any one of 5 or 6 empty squares. I thought, "Lucky YOU! You, number 6, are free to choose to go in any one of those available little boxes. You are not designated to any box by any form of logic at this time."
Don't we all have the choice as to which box we fit in?

Kick-started by a Free Spirit

This all started with a feeling of:
What I show on the outside of me, does not represent what I 'see' or feel on the inside.

The Catalyst. Yes there was a catalyst... which has almost has taken on a sinister character, given all the disruption it caused. This catalyst could not have been the only one, it just happens to be one that stays in my heart and mind. There must have been many other contributing factors which lead me to start listening to my inner voice more and more often.
One day Someone said something casually, but with such confidence and enthusiasm, which stopped me in my tracks (those same old rutted tracks of our thoughts that we get stuck in). A sort of jaw-dropping moment where I thought

The Exposed Me

I am a soul who has been hidden for too long. It decided this year, enough is enough, it is time to emerge and be visible! What a painful year 2012 has been, and yet I created it - it must be a big lesson I am trying to get through from my heart into my consciousness. But stop it or slow it down - I cannot. And it keeps bursting forth in my notes to myself... which I have always written, but which were never intended to be read.

I have a huge aversion to sharing my real or deepest feelings - this excruciatingly personal process of exposing my soul is so contrary to my past natural behavior... This morning this blog idea just popped into my consciousness (clearly coming from my soul) and it amused me so much.
So here goes, if for no other reason than the irony of it makes me smile!
I thought, let me put my heart-thoughts, head-thoughts, wisdom and soul-humour into a blog... maybe somewhere out there someone is also going through a similar sort of relationship with their soul and they would like to read or share whatever insights my soul is giving me, and perhaps they could relate to this and take comfort in knowing that someone else is going through this cataclysmic change coming from within.
And when I am at a loss as to how to handle the force of the evolution and how it affects ones closest relationships with spouses, children, parents, family and friends - in other words, the world out there, perhaps I could get feedback from other emerging souls on how to put things in perspective,  prioritise values, find solutions, and follow a path of choice.

If nothing else, I will enjoy putting all that is inside, out there! It seems like a symbolic gesture of putting my heart on my sleeve - making my soul visible - so as to become my authentic self.

A note to the reader - no matter how much I share, you will never get a full understanding of the entire situation, and when individual incidents are highlighted, a very skewed perspective can be drawn, and added to that; you are only hearing my side of the story. So please treat these drama's with that in mind - they are not isolated, stand-alone incidents. 

I do not blame, and I have no expectation for apologies. If I understand, then there is no requirement to forgive (does not mean I agree with or condone it). If I have no need or expectation of a need to be met, then there is no fear nor resultant anger (actually, that last one is for Saints I think - I'm still human! :)

"The Authentic Self is the Soul made Visible" - Sarah Ban Breathnach

...If you are keen to read the next post in this revealing story, click here: Kick Started by a Free Spirit
...Or choose from any number of my posts Here: The Visible Soul - listed from the earliest at the bottom, to the most recent at the top.