My Private Soap Opera

When was the pilot episode of this soap opera of my relationship?
This is not an easy question to answer... a reference point was earlier this year when I just HAD to come up with a solution to the very real problems in our relationship which were getting worse - and without having defined or clarified them, even within myself, I took the symptoms and tried to find remedies for each. This was the best I could do at the time. I had not yet gone through the painful months of analysing and distilling the emotions, all the reams of reading in books and online, trying to find some sort of root causes.
After a very late night tearful and emotionally draining discussion, where I broached the subject of what I needed now in my life and maybe we should consider trying it out, and we did... for a whole month, then all hell broke loose...
Exactly one month later to the day (what is it about the 22nd of the month?), we enacted every possible melo-drama you could imagine -  accusations, screaming, locking out of the house, hiding computers and car keys, invasions of private diaries, irrational phonecalls and totally inappropriate emails, and even almost causing another couple to break up!

[edited 4 months later: I have now realised that this incident finalised the complete breakdown of any trust I had in my husband - when the dust had settled I realised he had double-crossed me and stabbed me in the back - it took me a while though, during which I managed to feel guilty for something I had not done... read on...]

He insisted I try harder to show appreciation for him and all he has given me, and show him I love him by listing all the things about him that I love or have ever loved. I did this in all honesty - I don't think he really took them seriously though.


In order to make our agreement clearer to both of us, so that this sort of result could possibly be averted in the future, I wrote the following to my husband:
"Thank you for considering my idea as a solution - you are and always have been very brave and generous. Thank you for being open to it and by doing so, wanting to find a way to deal with the changes in our relationship. I hope maybe we can add to this solution along the way to make it work even better. I really want our relationship to be all it can be, and want all the good things we worked so hard for to continue, and want all the fun we had to continue. I want you to feel loved and appreciated and secure that I love you and want to keep us together. I want your needs to be met. And our childs'.
I will do my best to present myself to you as an honest and trustworthy person, to try to voice my inner thoughts without fear, to make you feel needed and loved and appreciated. I don't want to do it solely for my own gain, I only want to do it if it pays off by being of benefit to you and gives you what you want.
I have drawn up this more complete agreement where both parties’ needs are taken into account.
It comes from a basis where at this point in time:
- His feelings of what She means to him are changing - later changed to: He does not believe She loves him nor cares for him, nor does he trust her at all.
- She feels their relationship has evolved into one of deep friendship and mutual support, yet with love still intact.
- They each need each other.
- Their child needs them both.
The intention is continue with this agreement indefinitely except where specified."

These "Heads of Agreement Allowing the Freedom She Requires" as he called it, went on to itemise specific Trades between us - What She chooses and He provides, and Vise-Versa.

Afterall, is not a relationship really a trade?:
"This is what you have that I want to experience, and this is what I have that you want to experience." (Neale Donald Walsch) - so we go on sharing until such a time when one ot the other, or both, either no longer need or want what the other has, or no longer has what the other wants, and they trade no more.

I suppose we just need to agree on the values (or the price?), and perhaps this is where the troubles start: if one believes they are not getting full value for what they are giving. However - if a relationship is based in love, and love expects nothing in return, then this logic does not apply. (see my post on Love).
But - I was in a very rough place and had to come up with SOMETHING...
Some trades we listed were the same for each of us eg: "Stable home life for our child".
Others in the list were:
Financial Support traded for Care/Homemaking
Me-Time traded for Together-Time (a strict schedule was paramount for him!)
Self-control/Tolerance traded for Support/Appreciation
We also specified Deal-Breakers for each of us:
My only deal-breaker was: him ever disclosing the sexual side of our relationship with anyone.
Among his deal-breakers were: affairs and any trip or getaway without him.
This was to be a changeable agreement, to be negotiated calmly and revised and adjusted as necessary.

How this played out in everyday life and what happened hereafter is documented in this blog... (not the whole soap opera! but the development of the emotions the clarifications of the motives and the realities of the evolution of my soul).

...This story continues on in the next post: Letting Go...
...to read the post that preceded this one, go here: Improper Love...
...to Start at the Beginning of the exposure of my soul, go here: The Exposed Me