The Awakening

There comes a time every so often, when one needs to feed one's soul and re-read the THE AWAKENING by Sonny Carroll:

A time comes in your life when you finally get it ... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And you begin to look at the world through new eyes.  This is your awakening ... 
You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of 'happily ever after' must begin with you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. 

Pendulum Swings

One day when it had been particularly tough, I asked for a miracle….
I thought I received it later that evening when I had the revelation that if I believed in my heart that this would all turn out for the good, that what I was yearning for (my identity, freedom, need to find and be who I truly am) would be the RIGHT thing for me, and thus for everyone else, (I really DO believe this in my heart),  then there is nothing to fear… Fear Naught! This left me with such a peaceful feeling in my heart, and I thought things could only get better.
NOT!
The drama escalated. The behavior vacillated between tragic vulnerability, and panicked, wounded boar, became extremely challenging. The insubstantial promises and wild threats. The lofty aspirations and the absolute disdain. When I wasn't questioning His sanity, I was questioning Mine.

Clear as Mud

My truth and what I wanted to release (see Letting Go and Love without Need) was perceived as a complete reversal of my previous agreement - His reply was long-winded but it ended on a promising (and somewhat romantic) note, and tells his side of the story and how he sees me:   "... from the day you returned to me 22 years ago, it has been my desire to spend every waking moment with you and sharing every sunrise and every sunset. Suddenly this last year this has not been convenient to and it is not convenient to any woman who is suddenly on the prowl in the hope of attracting a younger and more handsome mate. So this I do understand .and have no defence for I understood there would be a possibility of this being the consequence of you choosing to fall in love at 18 with a man 21 years your senior.

You made you choice, you took the marriage vows and you have no valid reason to excuse yourself. I love you, I adore you, I enabled you huge freedoms, which you have enjoyed and I want as my greatest wish that you be happy and fulfilled so I am prepared as you know to come to any arrangement to ensure life is a comfortable and fulfilled as possible. There is no limit to the reasonable accommodations I am prepared to concede to ensure your stated wishes..."

However in the days that followed it became clear that he did not quite understand my letter of Letting Go, so within a week, whilst lying in my hammock contemplating my soul, I penned another, hopefully clearer more concrete 'agreement' as Further Clarification: A Blueprint for the basic attitudes with which to live, now that our relationship has changed...