I thought I received it later that evening when I had the revelation that if I believed in my heart that this would all turn out for the good, that what I was yearning for (my identity, freedom, need to find and be who I truly am) would be the RIGHT thing for me, and thus for everyone else, (I really DO believe this in my heart), then there is nothing to fear… Fear Naught! This left me with such a peaceful feeling in my heart, and I thought things could only get better.
NOT!
The drama escalated. The behavior vacillated between tragic vulnerability, and panicked, wounded boar, became extremely challenging. The insubstantial promises and wild threats. The lofty aspirations and the absolute disdain. When I wasn't questioning His sanity, I was questioning Mine.
According to all the authorities on the subject, what I was now experiencing was an emotionally abusive relationship - all this releasing of karma and opening up to new definitions of everything I had known had changed our relationship irrevocably by bringing out the worst in us. I had to do something. My gut said 'get away!' and running for the hills looked like a good option at this point. I read somewhere: "if a relationship is costing one of the following: your dignity, identity or dreams, it is too expensive." I reasoned with my heart that the way the relationship is now, is not representative of how it has always been - our problems started as one thing, led to other issues, and now have deteriorated to this unaccptable behavior - so I compromised with myself; I chose to move into the guest room at night (I spend the days as normal in the house with my family as usual, and have not moved out any of my 'stuff'). I had to get some space between us, without totally moving out which I calculated may be more destructive at this point.
It turned out to be a great move, although very awkward for the first few days. I was open with our child about it, who seemed to think it was odd, but no problem. The quiet, private times to myself at night is blissful. I revel in it! I cherish it! I don't care that the bed is appallingly uncomfortable, made worse since my birthday present this year was a top-of-the-range mattress which was nothing less than heavenly to sleep on, and I missed it terribly!
The reaction to my moving out of our bedroom was explosive. Among other things, he opened a new bank account and moved our money into it - ''to control it''. Plus he felt he now had the right to email my family who live half-way across the world, to tell them that I was hell-bent on destroying him, our family, our futures and our happiness and inferred all sorts of sordid personal details to a very unsuspecting elderly mother-in-law. My family was understandably distraught, and I now had to give them an explanation, or my side of the story, to put their minds at ease as best I could. I had worked very hard to keep this entire situation private and under wraps. He was doing his best to unravel this and expose everything, hoping that it would bring me to my knees (I think... - why else would he be doing this?).
My Mum had obviously been fed carefully manipulated information, making my husband out to be the victim of his vicious, or merely demented, wife. His perpetual premise being that I can't do this to our family... I have no right to subject them to this pain... He has always loved and adored me and given me everything - so how dare I treat him like this?... What has he done to deserve this?... and that I had vowed to love and cherish till death do us part! ...
How do I answer these questions without causing a major argument, not to mention, whatever I answer will sound lame or defensive?
I wrote a quick note, to pacify: "...I am so disturbed you have been emailed this information... Instead of dealing with this in an adult fashion he has unfortunately chosen to make it a competition and a control issue. I am so sorry you have both been brought into this... Please allow me to deal with this in my own way. I will try to give you some sense of my side of the story hopefully without bias. This does not need to be turned into some tragedy."
I was extremely concerned about writing anything to my family - I cringe at the thought of airing all this personal and private stuff. How could I do it anyway?
1) I will not be able to cover every aspect right from the beginning, (whenever that was!)
2) I will most definitely not include a lot of the personal details
3) I will not remember a lot of the details and events leading to this point
4) I am not the type to feel the need to justify my actions or beliefs, so probably won't offer them much of a logical explanation - I just felt my feelings, and then analyzed them to death in my mind (as we do), then questioned them, and probably then acted on them, thus causing this ''horror story''!
So how will trying to explain any of this to them help in any way? To me I don't care whether I am married or not - but it is HUGE to everyone else now involved - and they can only see a tragic outcome - whereas I don't!
My grey areas are those of where my responsibilities start and end… and what I should (bad word) feel bad about, and what I needn't… These are also reasons why I have not insisted on going to a psychologist - I don't feel like I could represent the entire story properly, and even if I could, their advice (if good) would probably be similar to the advice I give myself from within (that is, when I listen for it).
So there I was, feeling wholly guilty for hurting everyone, and questioning; Am I truly so evil?
How can that be? I don't believe I can either hurt someone or make them happy. Have I really not considered how my "wishes and wants" could affect the family? Am I so cold-hearted that I feel so self-righteous? Boy it sure sounds like we need to go to a therapist doesn't it?
I went to my quiet little room and with trepidation wrote my side of the story. I found once I started, my truth began to flow, and by the morning I was ready to send it off to my family...
...the Next Post details what I sent to my family: Lost or Found
...Read what lead up to this drama here: Us? or You-and-Me?
...Start at the Beginning of my Soul becoming Visible, go here: The Exposed Me
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