Lightness of Being

Have you looked closely at a fractal? The complexity reflects perfectly what I feel as I experience more and more each day. Life seems to be SO complex. The closer you look, the more you see. Thankfully the speed at which my life is throwing itself at me allows me to both see repetitive patterns as well as the unexpected blinding flash of colour which takes you by surprise, but is just fascinating to view, although often uncomfortable or even painful. Just when you think you have found the reason behind, or the cause, or can explain something 'clearly' to yourself - bam - you turn a corner and find another layer, or another answer to a better question! This is so intriguing, especially if you can experience it's resultant emotions fully without denial. And sometimes you find yourself almost realising that there are more than one 'correct' answer, and even if one contradicts the other, they both may explain the situation simultaneously!
Just when I thought I knew exactly why I was where I am today in my marriage relationship, and could explain it in reams of notes here in this blog, I am prompted by my angel of a brother, to ask myself another question. I have always known that the trick is to ask the RIGHT question... And this one was a doozy: "What was so appalling that happened that cause you not to care whether you were trusted by your husband any more?"
At first this appeared to be inconsequential - however my heart shouted out her answer in no uncertain terms and what I heard from within me was extraordinarily life-changing. A crushing weight has been lifted, and the relief was deeply emotional, I sat for hours just experiencing it, just feeling it pour through me - yes it was a physical sensation - obviously a ton of ignored emotions or previously un-dealt-with 'stuff' was being let go, or released by my sudden understanding. I was left with an immense sense of lightness.
I realised I had the trust issue reversed, that my husband's actions had completely obliterated MY trust for HIM in April this year, and then stabbed me in the back, so to speak, in May. I am sure most couples have a shared truth that only two of you know - so when one takes that truth and exposes it and uses it against the other to hurt or control or blackmail... what else could one expect?
I was so alarmed and confused and so busy picking up the pieces that in the mayhem that followed, I managed to be held responsible for what had apparently caused his astonishingly bad behaviour (my E-Betrayal post outlines the supposed trigger for these incidents).
In this whirl-wind of drama, I completely missed the truth about what had really just happened - only now, in re-living it did I realise He was the one who wielded the knife, and I did not force his hand.
I do remember later wondering how on earth I could possibly have forgiven him, but I had, so I had not dwelled on it - too much else to deal with!
It also dawned on me that due to this destruction of our mutual trust, it was ME who could no longer trust HIM ! Not the other way around - which is what he had had me believing for the past year. My complete lack of trust and respect after those two instances was probably just being mirrored back to me - and answers clearly why I don't care if he trusts me or not, no wonder I treated the idea with disdain!
I went alone to the psychologist even if my husband had left the arena, as I wanted to tell her of this new revelation. I will now take the time to consciously deal with any un-addressed areas of blame and resentment, and also figure out in understanding all this, where to from here?
What I have noticed is that when I look down at my skin, the person showing through is more aligned with what is inside, - I am looking more like the real me -  which is the reason for going on this path in the first place.

...Read the next post for more fascinating developments...

...Read the post that preceded this one, go here: Care to be Trusted?

...Start at the Beginning of the exposure of my soul, go here: The Exposed Me

Care to be Trusted?

I tend to ask theoretical or academic questions I suppose because I like to view everything from as many perspectives as possible in order to understand them completely - I often find corollary's very informative - it just seems to broaden my picture - and plus I am just interested philosophically or psychologically... Also, words can mean different things to different people, and so definitions can vary, and answers to questions can depend on the definitions of the words used. An example is when the therapist asked us both, "Do you want to fix this?"- my answer was "Depends what your definition of FIX is - if you want it to go back to how it was before, then no - but, if we can find a solution where everyone is happy, then yes". I have discovered that my husbands' definitions of things are often completely different to mine, and so we are now tending not to be anywhere near understanding each other or communicating constructively - this is where I thought the sessions with a psychologist may be of great assistance.

An Urgent meeting with Me

I could not have been more prophetic - the next day turned out to be VERY interesting - rather like that Ancient Chinese Curse. I took my brothers' advice literally and put it to the test. Let me outline the bones of the event: Car keys were confiscated after a testy exchange, and I was told that he would take and fetch me, but I could not go alone. I said, absolutely not. So he was even more suspicious, and asked "who was I so determined to meet there?", I answered, "ME!", he reasoned, "So, I will take you there and you can still meet Yourself".... "No", I said, "then I would be meeting the Me-controlled-by-You!".

Stepping out of the Ring

In therapy it was explained to me that how she sees us working towards a positive resolution in our relationship, "depends on how much he is prepared to change his ways". My immediate response was to note that this is highly unlikely - after all I do know something about this man after two decades joined at the hip. When he left to go to his individual session, for what he said would be the last time, and I wished him well and hoped that it would be constructive - he turned to me and said that "there is very little she and I can do to change you. You are set on your path and have decided where you are going, so there is very little we can do. I think it is a waste of time unless you choose to change." I suggested he just start with that statement and hear what she advises, and see what can be done. He left with no response.