Letting Go

Well... the plot I laid out in My Private Soap Opera didn't work out too well! One month later, to the day, he was not satisfied that his share of the Trade had been adhered to well enough by me, plus, he had broken my deal-breakers by discussing our (particularly my) sex life to others.

During this time, two quotes really struck a note with me: 'Promises are worse than lies, because you don't just make them believe, you also give them hope; for something you're not sure you can do.'
and 'Betrayal of the self in order not to betray another is the worst type of betrayal'.
So once again on this 22nd day of the month, during a precious scheduled time to myself (which was the major part of the agreements we had reached), I sat down and the following words flowed out of me, producing this letter which I presented to Him:

"I am writing this down in case I cannot think straight or remember everything in real time. And because I seem to communicate better when I write than when I speak. I write this to you with the utmost love and compassion and hope it comes across this way.
I have been holding on to our relationship so hard and so tightly, for so long, but now I choose to let it go. It was the best relationship. I loved ALL of it, and I am grateful for everything I gained from it and for what you put into it. Now I feel I must let it go.

There are parts in our relationship that I still enjoy tremendously, when you are your old self. And I hope these continue. The other parts of our relationship are having a negative effect on me, bringing up emotions which I do not want to experience anymore.
I know you are going to say “You are the one who caused all this”. To which I say – I know full well that I am responsible for everything that is happening to me. I brought it upon myself. Just as you brought everything that is happening to you upon yourself. Now I want to create a different experience.
I feel I must to pull away from you. I feel I am being dragged down with bad feelings by your attitude and actions. I feel I can no longer tolerate the negativity and your need to control. You have not always been this way to this extreme, and we enjoyed every minute of our times together where you directed your energies elsewhere. Now I feel you are directing my life in a way I do not choose and am not happy with.

A few ideas of immediate actions:
- If you are agreeable we can go to a professional to see if there is any way to resolve this, as I feel you may have issues that need professional help, which I cannot even start to solve. But you would need to go there with an open mind on the off-chance that they tell you things about yourself that you are not prepared to face. Given your past reactions, I would guess you will have the attitude that no-one except yourself, can tell you anything you will believe. Hence I don’t have much faith in this option, but – surprise me.
- We/you write/contact the people in our lives who you have confronted aggressively and alienated and apologise – again... surprise me. Then you redirect your passions in a healthy direction, and deal with people in a tolerant and forgiving and non-judgemental manner, (or not at all) and stop trying to teach them how to behave – and allow me to handle them in my way as I see fitting. This in order not to jeopardise our futures in this country.
- We live as the best parents that we can be, mutually supportive, giving our child the best opportunities we can, not forcing our wills, but opening up avenues for self-development, until such a time our child is able to be self-supporting.
- You stop making me your prime focus in life in such an obsessive manner. You find your own passion and follow it. We would support that. You stop trying to teach us that your way is the only way, but start to consider that other peoples’ view-points are valid for them. Maybe this would return you to being the person I once knew?
- I be allowed to go in whichever direction my heart takes me. I develop whichever skills I wish to. I will live as a responsible parent. I would be happy to continue to, as usual, take care of the physical / practical needs of yours, if you choose to live here, and of our child (meals, washing, transport etc) and you continue to provide the means for us to exist as we do and have always done, and to support us financially as normal. We will treat our money and assets as we always have.

If your past reactions are anything to go by, I expect having read this, you are going to do everything in your power to make my life as difficult as you can in order to punish me. I rather hope you would redirect this avarice in a positive direction with benefits to you and all.
I hope one day you will realise I am merely making a choice to the best of my abilities, believing it is the correct one for my, and thus your, wellbeing."

...This letter continues on in the next post: Love without Need...

...to read the post that preceded this one, go here: My Private Soap Opera...

...to Start at the Beginning of the exposure of my soul, go here: The Exposed Me