Lightness of Being

Have you looked closely at a fractal? The complexity reflects perfectly what I feel as I experience more and more each day. Life seems to be SO complex. The closer you look, the more you see. Thankfully the speed at which my life is throwing itself at me allows me to both see repetitive patterns as well as the unexpected blinding flash of colour which takes you by surprise, but is just fascinating to view, although often uncomfortable or even painful. Just when you think you have found the reason behind, or the cause, or can explain something 'clearly' to yourself - bam - you turn a corner and find another layer, or another answer to a better question! This is so intriguing, especially if you can experience it's resultant emotions fully without denial. And sometimes you find yourself almost realising that there are more than one 'correct' answer, and even if one contradicts the other, they both may explain the situation simultaneously!
Just when I thought I knew exactly why I was where I am today in my marriage relationship, and could explain it in reams of notes here in this blog, I am prompted by my angel of a brother, to ask myself another question. I have always known that the trick is to ask the RIGHT question... And this one was a doozy: "What was so appalling that happened that cause you not to care whether you were trusted by your husband any more?"
At first this appeared to be inconsequential - however my heart shouted out her answer in no uncertain terms and what I heard from within me was extraordinarily life-changing. A crushing weight has been lifted, and the relief was deeply emotional, I sat for hours just experiencing it, just feeling it pour through me - yes it was a physical sensation - obviously a ton of ignored emotions or previously un-dealt-with 'stuff' was being let go, or released by my sudden understanding. I was left with an immense sense of lightness.
I realised I had the trust issue reversed, that my husband's actions had completely obliterated MY trust for HIM in April this year, and then stabbed me in the back, so to speak, in May. I am sure most couples have a shared truth that only two of you know - so when one takes that truth and exposes it and uses it against the other to hurt or control or blackmail... what else could one expect?
I was so alarmed and confused and so busy picking up the pieces that in the mayhem that followed, I managed to be held responsible for what had apparently caused his astonishingly bad behaviour (my E-Betrayal post outlines the supposed trigger for these incidents).
In this whirl-wind of drama, I completely missed the truth about what had really just happened - only now, in re-living it did I realise He was the one who wielded the knife, and I did not force his hand.
I do remember later wondering how on earth I could possibly have forgiven him, but I had, so I had not dwelled on it - too much else to deal with!
It also dawned on me that due to this destruction of our mutual trust, it was ME who could no longer trust HIM ! Not the other way around - which is what he had had me believing for the past year. My complete lack of trust and respect after those two instances was probably just being mirrored back to me - and answers clearly why I don't care if he trusts me or not, no wonder I treated the idea with disdain!
I went alone to the psychologist even if my husband had left the arena, as I wanted to tell her of this new revelation. I will now take the time to consciously deal with any un-addressed areas of blame and resentment, and also figure out in understanding all this, where to from here?
What I have noticed is that when I look down at my skin, the person showing through is more aligned with what is inside, - I am looking more like the real me -  which is the reason for going on this path in the first place.

...Read the next post for more fascinating developments...

...Read the post that preceded this one, go here: Care to be Trusted?

...Start at the Beginning of the exposure of my soul, go here: The Exposed Me

Let me Qualify...

In a quiet moment, my husband felt the need to, what he termed; "pour his heart out to me and tell me how he felt". I was silent and listened for a while - there was nothing new said, but he was obviously in a mood of reasoning, honesty, and what I hoped was a new perspective, and looking at the whole situation with a bit more clarity. I was not planning on reacting or passing any comment - just the opposite, wanting to be silent and listen. I was passionless, and would not be drawn in - the memory of him retracting any niceties just recently has made me unemotional and not 'hooked' by his words - I will not be swayed by too much hope in his words.

Pendulum Swings

One day when it had been particularly tough, I asked for a miracle….
I thought I received it later that evening when I had the revelation that if I believed in my heart that this would all turn out for the good, that what I was yearning for (my identity, freedom, need to find and be who I truly am) would be the RIGHT thing for me, and thus for everyone else, (I really DO believe this in my heart),  then there is nothing to fear… Fear Naught! This left me with such a peaceful feeling in my heart, and I thought things could only get better.
NOT!
The drama escalated. The behavior vacillated between tragic vulnerability, and panicked, wounded boar, became extremely challenging. The insubstantial promises and wild threats. The lofty aspirations and the absolute disdain. When I wasn't questioning His sanity, I was questioning Mine.

My Truth vs Your Truth

This post is a letter I wrote to my spouse in response to his proclamation « You are a silly little girl and you don’t know what you want ».

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Yes Darling, you gave me whatever I asked for throughout our 22+ year relationship. No, you did nothing wrong, and wanted nothing but the best for me. And I really appreciated it all.

It was made very clear early in our relationship, that for us to continue, I could not be my own person, that doing anything or even wanting to do anything separate from you, or not shared with you, would constitute that I did not love you, and the relationship would not work. Also it was made clear that I should feel as if I earned all the benefits you were bestowing on me, hence my work over the years for you and your companies.

The Exposed Me

I am a soul who has been hidden for too long. It decided this year, enough is enough, it is time to emerge and be visible! What a painful year 2012 has been, and yet I created it - it must be a big lesson I am trying to get through from my heart into my consciousness. But stop it or slow it down - I cannot. And it keeps bursting forth in my notes to myself... which I have always written, but which were never intended to be read.

I have a huge aversion to sharing my real or deepest feelings - this excruciatingly personal process of exposing my soul is so contrary to my past natural behavior... This morning this blog idea just popped into my consciousness (clearly coming from my soul) and it amused me so much.
So here goes, if for no other reason than the irony of it makes me smile!
I thought, let me put my heart-thoughts, head-thoughts, wisdom and soul-humour into a blog... maybe somewhere out there someone is also going through a similar sort of relationship with their soul and they would like to read or share whatever insights my soul is giving me, and perhaps they could relate to this and take comfort in knowing that someone else is going through this cataclysmic change coming from within.
And when I am at a loss as to how to handle the force of the evolution and how it affects ones closest relationships with spouses, children, parents, family and friends - in other words, the world out there, perhaps I could get feedback from other emerging souls on how to put things in perspective,  prioritise values, find solutions, and follow a path of choice.

If nothing else, I will enjoy putting all that is inside, out there! It seems like a symbolic gesture of putting my heart on my sleeve - making my soul visible - so as to become my authentic self.

A note to the reader - no matter how much I share, you will never get a full understanding of the entire situation, and when individual incidents are highlighted, a very skewed perspective can be drawn, and added to that; you are only hearing my side of the story. So please treat these drama's with that in mind - they are not isolated, stand-alone incidents. 

I do not blame, and I have no expectation for apologies. If I understand, then there is no requirement to forgive (does not mean I agree with or condone it). If I have no need or expectation of a need to be met, then there is no fear nor resultant anger (actually, that last one is for Saints I think - I'm still human! :)

"The Authentic Self is the Soul made Visible" - Sarah Ban Breathnach

...If you are keen to read the next post in this revealing story, click here: Kick Started by a Free Spirit
...Or choose from any number of my posts Here: The Visible Soul - listed from the earliest at the bottom, to the most recent at the top.