Care to be Trusted?

I tend to ask theoretical or academic questions I suppose because I like to view everything from as many perspectives as possible in order to understand them completely - I often find corollary's very informative - it just seems to broaden my picture - and plus I am just interested philosophically or psychologically... Also, words can mean different things to different people, and so definitions can vary, and answers to questions can depend on the definitions of the words used. An example is when the therapist asked us both, "Do you want to fix this?"- my answer was "Depends what your definition of FIX is - if you want it to go back to how it was before, then no - but, if we can find a solution where everyone is happy, then yes". I have discovered that my husbands' definitions of things are often completely different to mine, and so we are now tending not to be anywhere near understanding each other or communicating constructively - this is where I thought the sessions with a psychologist may be of great assistance.

Seeing Eye-to-Eye

How do you reach 'an amicable solution' when one party feels hard-done-by? Is this even possible? From which party does the reasoning have to come from? At what point does it get through to the 'hard-done-by' party, that resisting makes it worse or is destructive? What would make them want to be constructive, anyway? In my situation, why does the argument seemingly always come down to his perception that if we do it my way, he gets nothing of what he wants and I get everything I want? Really? How does one logically reason this out? Let's simplify it with examples of differing wants, and perhaps we can work out where the logic is breaking down....

What if I want you, but you don't want me? Then we would have to define "want"- so lets say, I want to have sex with you, and you don't want to have sex with me.

So many Questions...?

Nice. What does being 'nice' entail? If you are acting from love and not fear, then are you automatically 'nice'? But being nice seems to imply some sort of expectation of behaviour, and if you don't live up to it, then you are 'not nice'. And is there any responsibility for us to be nice? what sort of behaviour is considered nice, anyway? If you are for instance, finally speaking the truth, it may be perceived as betrayal by another, and therefore not nice at all! Yet it is done out of love, for yourself and for the other.

The Awakening

There comes a time every so often, when one needs to feed one's soul and re-read the THE AWAKENING by Sonny Carroll:

A time comes in your life when you finally get it ... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And you begin to look at the world through new eyes.  This is your awakening ... 
You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of 'happily ever after' must begin with you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. 

Lost or Found

I tried my best to explain in a nutshell what was going on: "For the duration of our lives together, I was given whatever I asked for and I appreciated it all, we had an ideal relationship, I worked hard at creating the ideal domestic life knowing full well where my restrictions were, and I chose that path willingly. I created 'us' and loved it.
At the same time I grew old enough to change and mature and become less tolerant of being controlled and moulded and guided. I began missing 'me'  - I no longer had my own identity, having 'lost myself' and lived what 'we' were.
I have now made a choice to have time to be with 'me'. I know some of these phrases seem clichéd - but they are very real to me. As Dad always said - "You have to lose yourself, so that you can find yourself". He appears to have been so right, and I would like to find myself now - why else would we be in this life?

Love without Need

I continued from Letting Go... "We do not need to turn this into a tragedy. We need to see it as the beginning of something even more beautiful – even better.

I am not suggesting this change in our relationship because I want something I cannot get within it. But rather because I feel your actions and attitude to both our marriage and life in general, are destructive to my feelings of wanting to expand/grow myself. I feel repressed, trapped and constricted. I feel like I have to be someone you want me to be rather than explore who I really am and can become. I am frustrated and feel reduced by your attitudes and actions and I would love to have your agreement to let it go and strike up a course of action in which everybody can win. Please understand, there is NO blame here, and I am most definitely NOT blaming you. You are free to behave as you wish, and I was, and am, free to choose to agree with it or not. I chose to follow your rules for the last 22 year, not grow my own, but obey.

You have asked many times how I feel towards you now...