At the same time I grew old enough to change and mature and become less tolerant of being controlled and moulded and guided. I began missing 'me' - I no longer had my own identity, having 'lost myself' and lived what 'we' were.
I have now made a choice to have time to be with 'me'. I know some of these phrases seem clichéd - but they are very real to me. As Dad always said - "You have to lose yourself, so that you can find yourself". He appears to have been so right, and I would like to find myself now - why else would we be in this life?
How one perceives this is truly one's own perspective. I have read that it is VERY common especially amongst women of my age (clichés, after all, are truths that were repeated so often they become very common). I see it as a normal evolution of myself - something worthwhile, dare I say, exciting. It is up to him to view it as he wishes - I have tried to show it as something really positive. I am sorry he sounds to you like a victim. He does believe he is. Unfortunately he will continue to believe this until he makes up his mind not to. My ideal would be to have him support me in my quest for joy.
I am broad minded enough to believe that someone can change their direction in life - naturally - and that relationships can evolve and no longer serve their purposes. And I do not see this as some sort of crime and certainly not a failure! And this does not mean the relationship has always been faulty - it has just changed shape. I do not believe we have the right to disallow someone to be who they are or have become.
I have put forward every solution I could think of, and for whatever reasons, they have not worked... yet. My strong need for my own identity, space, talents, and to find me, is my purpose at this point. I thought I could pursue it with my husbands' support, but it has so far proved not to be the case - perhaps, as he said, it was the way I went about it that caused him such concern. My next thought is for us to see a counsellor or therapist - maybe they have more ideas than I do!"
How did I see this all working in everyday life?
I had no clear example to follow - if anyone lived with the attitudes I outlined, who would know about it? I have come across couples in my life who got divorced but continued to live as if they were married and were much happier. But even that does not fit in with our situation - I did not want to nor could not go back to our previous relationship - what with the lack of respect, lack of trust, and general malaise. We could start with a clear slate - as old friends who had been through a lot together, and want the best for eachother, and see where it leads. Could we be adult enough to make that work?
At what point is doing something you are driven to do (for example, find your own independence) but know it will ''hurt'' someone (because they tell you it will) - at what point is it your responsibility? Especially if you love or loved them.
And why?
Why did I feel the need to let go of our relationship, and not work towards restoring it to it's old glory?
Well - I am tired. I am done. Been there done that for long enough. I've had it. I want to use all that energy it required, in another area - me. No matter how much people love, people get tired, and people change. The reason the relationship worked in the past was because I consciously agreed, in any situation where it was brought to the fore, to tolerate the control, the lack of privacy, the restrictions on doing something independently. Now I can no longer live like that - my inner sense does not allow it any more. Therefore the relationship will never be like that again. However there must be some type of relationship that we can start with and develop - after all friends get by without the control and without living in each-others' pockets.
Furthermore, I am painfully aware of what example we are setting our child. As a friend of mine said: "Manipulation and control are not good examples being set for your child, who needs to know that this is behaviour which is not on and it is this behaviour and not yours which is 'destroying the family."
...Read the amazing reaction from my family here: A Mothers' Love
...Read what lead up to this latest letter here: Pendulum Swings
...Start at the Beginning of my Soul becoming Visible, go here: The Exposed Me
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