Let me Qualify...

In a quiet moment, my husband felt the need to, what he termed; "pour his heart out to me and tell me how he felt". I was silent and listened for a while - there was nothing new said, but he was obviously in a mood of reasoning, honesty, and what I hoped was a new perspective, and looking at the whole situation with a bit more clarity. I was not planning on reacting or passing any comment - just the opposite, wanting to be silent and listen. I was passionless, and would not be drawn in - the memory of him retracting any niceties just recently has made me unemotional and not 'hooked' by his words - I will not be swayed by too much hope in his words.

Seeing Eye-to-Eye

How do you reach 'an amicable solution' when one party feels hard-done-by? Is this even possible? From which party does the reasoning have to come from? At what point does it get through to the 'hard-done-by' party, that resisting makes it worse or is destructive? What would make them want to be constructive, anyway? In my situation, why does the argument seemingly always come down to his perception that if we do it my way, he gets nothing of what he wants and I get everything I want? Really? How does one logically reason this out? Let's simplify it with examples of differing wants, and perhaps we can work out where the logic is breaking down....

What if I want you, but you don't want me? Then we would have to define "want"- so lets say, I want to have sex with you, and you don't want to have sex with me.

Hilarious Interlude

And now for something completely different... Well - not so different in it's message... I laughed till I cried when I read this - ENJOY IT!

Young King Arthur and his page-boy were ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed them but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals.
So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he and the page would be put to death. To be sure he returned, the monarch kept the page-boy as hostage.
The question? What do women really want?

Bending our Own Reality

I caught myself blanking out negative events which I were not enjoyable or constructive, but which had really taken place and either upset me or went against what I wanted my reality to be. Thankfully, and this is how I discovered how good I was at not storing unpleasant memories, I had written the incidents down the same day. Days later I had a niggling feeling something had happened that would be helpful to take into consideration when dealing with the present situation - I pulled out my notes, and had to read them a couple of times, so that I could finally put myself back in the story and really remember what I had felt during this unpleasant incident.

So many Questions...?

Nice. What does being 'nice' entail? If you are acting from love and not fear, then are you automatically 'nice'? But being nice seems to imply some sort of expectation of behaviour, and if you don't live up to it, then you are 'not nice'. And is there any responsibility for us to be nice? what sort of behaviour is considered nice, anyway? If you are for instance, finally speaking the truth, it may be perceived as betrayal by another, and therefore not nice at all! Yet it is done out of love, for yourself and for the other.

Unthinkable Freedom

I quote two thought-provoking authors here, Colette Dowling and Tom Robbins, as I attempt to apply these eloquent truisms to my personal life, empowering myself and supporting my inner sensibilities...
From Cinderella Complex: "freedom and independence can't be wrested from others - from the society at large, or from men - but can only be developed painstakingly, from within."

From Jitterbug Perfume: "Our individuality is all, ALL, that we have. There are those who barter it for security, those who repress it for what they believe is the betterment of the whole society, but blessed in the twinkle of the morning star is the one who nurtures it and rides it, in grace and love and wit, from peculiar station to peculiar station along lifes' bitter-sweet route."

"...To achieve the marvellous, it is precisely the unthinkable that must be thought."

"...we must think unthinkable thoughts and ask unanswerable questions. Yet we must not lose ourselves in abstract vapours of philosophy ...Never underestimate how much assistance, how much satisfaction, how much comfort, how much soul and transcendence there might be in a well-made taco and a cold bottle of beer."

"...ultimate answers cannot be given, they can only be received ... each person must figure out things for themselves."

...Read the next post for more of uncovering of my Soul in So Many Questions...?

...Read the post that preceded this one, go here: Exposed Privacy

...Start at the Beginning of the exposure of my soul, go here: The Exposed Me

Exposed Privacy

One of the major issues which has been highlighted during this entire process I am experiencing, is that of Privacy. And when does Privacy impinge on Honesty? Not honesty with yourself, although I must remind myself to be conscious of whether I am hiding from my own truth, but honesty and openness with another. In my recent experiences, some detailed in this blog, boundaries have been crossed and privacy, in my opinion, invaded, rather than shared. It has made me wary of being totally open with another, as I have discovered that sharing your weaknesses, can (and will) be used against you when the other is threatened or fearful. Respect for anothers' privacy is, to me, of utmost importance, and one of the backbones of integrity (for example, snooping in anothers' private things whilst they are away), however it extends far further than this - into the realms of anothers' thoughts, dreams, desires.

The Awakening

There comes a time every so often, when one needs to feed one's soul and re-read the THE AWAKENING by Sonny Carroll:

A time comes in your life when you finally get it ... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And you begin to look at the world through new eyes.  This is your awakening ... 
You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of 'happily ever after' must begin with you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. 

Energy Redistribution

After our first couples therapy session, ever, we argued the rest of the day and did not stop for five days - it got worse and more uncompromising than ever. I felt very hard and dry inside with my heels firmly dug in the earth. I was ready to write to the therapist to cancel the next appointment - it seemed pointless. His interpretation of what was said during the session is so different from mine.
I just give up... but I have not stopped working on myself, and I now make myself aware of being grateful for even the bad things that are happening, because they show me so clearly what I don't want or can't live with. Within my heart I really feel like I am in a good place, amazingly - it does not always feel like it on the outside, but when i quietly go within, I am happy and at peace.
My Heart made me aware of a startling situation (my Head freaked when it heard this!):

Heart to Head

My Brother gently gave me his sage advice, borne out of recent experience in the disruption of marital relations and the pain of juggling shared parenting. Once again I was taken aback by the generosity of spirit, the non-judgemental attitude (true love!) and the validations of me as an individual whose thoughts are not as way off as I have been led to believe. He said the following: "Whilst philosophically sound your truth will need to be played out in real life, everyday life. Mom and I will support you in this journey without judgement in which ever path you choose. The first thing I learnt in my experience, is that whatever path is chosen, the child must be and must remain the primary focus. Everything else comes second.

A Mothers' Love

After sending my best explanation to my mother and brother, I waited for their response - really not knowing at all what form it would take. When I received it, I was blown away! Although an outsider would have expected nothing less, I had only hoped for an honest assessment, and anything more would have been a bonus - but this was a validation, a respect for my ideas, my emotions, my thoughts - WOW - I had not expected that. It was extremely comforting and empowering, and of course made me weep in humility.

Lost or Found

I tried my best to explain in a nutshell what was going on: "For the duration of our lives together, I was given whatever I asked for and I appreciated it all, we had an ideal relationship, I worked hard at creating the ideal domestic life knowing full well where my restrictions were, and I chose that path willingly. I created 'us' and loved it.
At the same time I grew old enough to change and mature and become less tolerant of being controlled and moulded and guided. I began missing 'me'  - I no longer had my own identity, having 'lost myself' and lived what 'we' were.
I have now made a choice to have time to be with 'me'. I know some of these phrases seem clichéd - but they are very real to me. As Dad always said - "You have to lose yourself, so that you can find yourself". He appears to have been so right, and I would like to find myself now - why else would we be in this life?