Kick-started by a Free Spirit

This all started with a feeling of:
What I show on the outside of me, does not represent what I 'see' or feel on the inside.

The Catalyst. Yes there was a catalyst... which has almost has taken on a sinister character, given all the disruption it caused. This catalyst could not have been the only one, it just happens to be one that stays in my heart and mind. There must have been many other contributing factors which lead me to start listening to my inner voice more and more often.
One day Someone said something casually, but with such confidence and enthusiasm, which stopped me in my tracks (those same old rutted tracks of our thoughts that we get stuck in). A sort of jaw-dropping moment where I thought
"God, I wish I could say something like that!" and even worse, "I wish I could THINK a thought like that!" and then the questioning of myself "Why can't I?" lead me on a new path towards my true self. I had been well-and-truly 'Catalysed'!

All that had been said, was the persons expression of a desire or plan to do something the following year. A big thing. A brave thing. An inner dream stated out loud with no fear. One that caused people to react, "Really? Okay!". Some chuckled and may have dismissed it as wishful thinking. But it was stated with passion and with a belief that it would be achieved. What it was does not actually matter - imagine any scenario you could relate to, for example; Run all the major city marathons, or, Hitchhike the length of Africa, or, Kite-surf the English Channel.... whatever.

I was not struck by the actual adventure - it could have been any adventure, (my heart leapt and would have said "Could I come too?" had I let it!) - what really astounded me was their total ME-ness, being their own person : How could one state this desire without it being a threat to disrupt the safe, secure, unchanging everyday life that one leads? Was it just me who had a life like that? Would this not derail their life? What about their family, would they accept them going after this latest passion?
It was clear this was not a once-in-a-lifetime goal - this was a regular occurrence in this persons obviously very exciting life! This was natural for them to find new adventures or experiences and pursue them.

I could not imagine this would work in my life at the time. It would over-turn the applecart, no question about it! But why? and why should it?
It wasn't as if this particular person had no family bonds, obligations, ties or settled life - they did - they had a long-time partner, children, a home, pets, a successful career, and all the possessions and commitments that go with it. And yet these "flights of fancy" would not disturb their life one iota - to the contrary, it would enhance it! Their spirit was free.

I was in awe, it was what I wanted to be able to say. I wanted this with my whole being. I wanted to be able to know myself, to know my wants, wishes, desires and drives. I wanted the freedom to state my dreams with no fear of rejection. And if they were pooh-poohed it would leave not dent.

I have always thought when someone was described as a "free spirit", it meant they wafted around with no real direction, making decisions on a whim. But maybe this person, my Catalyst, represented, to me, the true Free Spirit - their Spirit was Free to Choose.

My spirit recognised itself in my Catalysts' eyes, and from that moment on, wanted the same, and this unleashed a flood of emotions and longings which completely disrupted my cocoon of a life, and hence my trying to come up with a configuration of a new life in order to accommodate this Free Spirit.
This Someone became a symbol of that freedom of identity and independence of spirit, and I was irresistably drawn to it. I wanted to experience it myself. Why else would we be on Earth?

I was asking myself, "Why wasn't I allowed to go after my dreams?"and "Why did I feel I needed permission?" and "Why was I so restricted? Are they not my choices in life to be made?".
Then by seeing my life through different lenses, I came to realise how I had allowed myself to be directed, channelled and guided, rather than following my inner guide, which made me feel trapped. I am aware now that I had chosen that route!
Which route am I going to choose now?

I found my writings and notes to myself from 23 years ago and older, and what was written then amazed me because they were along the same lines and same subjects as what I am processing now... all over again... or should I say, STILL!

All those years ago I was wrestling with the same situations as I am today! Doing it all over again. Does this mean I did not learn the lesson the last time? Does it mean I have not grown since then? That I did not choose the 'right' path, or action, which would have brought me to the realisation of my dreams?

Last time the process was briefer (if my memory serves) and somewhat less traumatic. I read in my notes to myself, that at that time I had also seen what I wanted in someone elses' eyes. (Which may prove the theory that we repeat history whether we like it or not.) I chose at that time to go after that Someone, instead of going after what I saw and yearned for in their eyes. (That 'Someone' became my husband of today.) Perhaps I thought that I could attain the same being-ness by osmoses of being with them and sharing their lives. 

I realise now in retrospect that of course, you cannot experience your own identity through Someone who happens to be experiencing their own. You have to search out your own experience. 

This time, I felt this difference when my soul recognised what it yearned for - I don't want to go after the 'Someone', but am driven to go after what I saw in both of the 'Someones' eyes...

...My story continues on in the next post: Choosing your Box
...Read the story that started this Soul Exposure, go here: The Exposed Me