Let me Qualify...

In a quiet moment, my husband felt the need to, what he termed; "pour his heart out to me and tell me how he felt". I was silent and listened for a while - there was nothing new said, but he was obviously in a mood of reasoning, honesty, and what I hoped was a new perspective, and looking at the whole situation with a bit more clarity. I was not planning on reacting or passing any comment - just the opposite, wanting to be silent and listen. I was passionless, and would not be drawn in - the memory of him retracting any niceties just recently has made me unemotional and not 'hooked' by his words - I will not be swayed by too much hope in his words.

Exposed Privacy

One of the major issues which has been highlighted during this entire process I am experiencing, is that of Privacy. And when does Privacy impinge on Honesty? Not honesty with yourself, although I must remind myself to be conscious of whether I am hiding from my own truth, but honesty and openness with another. In my recent experiences, some detailed in this blog, boundaries have been crossed and privacy, in my opinion, invaded, rather than shared. It has made me wary of being totally open with another, as I have discovered that sharing your weaknesses, can (and will) be used against you when the other is threatened or fearful. Respect for anothers' privacy is, to me, of utmost importance, and one of the backbones of integrity (for example, snooping in anothers' private things whilst they are away), however it extends far further than this - into the realms of anothers' thoughts, dreams, desires.

Pendulum Swings

One day when it had been particularly tough, I asked for a miracle….
I thought I received it later that evening when I had the revelation that if I believed in my heart that this would all turn out for the good, that what I was yearning for (my identity, freedom, need to find and be who I truly am) would be the RIGHT thing for me, and thus for everyone else, (I really DO believe this in my heart),  then there is nothing to fear… Fear Naught! This left me with such a peaceful feeling in my heart, and I thought things could only get better.
NOT!
The drama escalated. The behavior vacillated between tragic vulnerability, and panicked, wounded boar, became extremely challenging. The insubstantial promises and wild threats. The lofty aspirations and the absolute disdain. When I wasn't questioning His sanity, I was questioning Mine.

Clear as Mud

My truth and what I wanted to release (see Letting Go and Love without Need) was perceived as a complete reversal of my previous agreement - His reply was long-winded but it ended on a promising (and somewhat romantic) note, and tells his side of the story and how he sees me:   "... from the day you returned to me 22 years ago, it has been my desire to spend every waking moment with you and sharing every sunrise and every sunset. Suddenly this last year this has not been convenient to and it is not convenient to any woman who is suddenly on the prowl in the hope of attracting a younger and more handsome mate. So this I do understand .and have no defence for I understood there would be a possibility of this being the consequence of you choosing to fall in love at 18 with a man 21 years your senior.

You made you choice, you took the marriage vows and you have no valid reason to excuse yourself. I love you, I adore you, I enabled you huge freedoms, which you have enjoyed and I want as my greatest wish that you be happy and fulfilled so I am prepared as you know to come to any arrangement to ensure life is a comfortable and fulfilled as possible. There is no limit to the reasonable accommodations I am prepared to concede to ensure your stated wishes..."

However in the days that followed it became clear that he did not quite understand my letter of Letting Go, so within a week, whilst lying in my hammock contemplating my soul, I penned another, hopefully clearer more concrete 'agreement' as Further Clarification: A Blueprint for the basic attitudes with which to live, now that our relationship has changed...

My Truth vs Your Truth

This post is a letter I wrote to my spouse in response to his proclamation « You are a silly little girl and you don’t know what you want ».

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Yes Darling, you gave me whatever I asked for throughout our 22+ year relationship. No, you did nothing wrong, and wanted nothing but the best for me. And I really appreciated it all.

It was made very clear early in our relationship, that for us to continue, I could not be my own person, that doing anything or even wanting to do anything separate from you, or not shared with you, would constitute that I did not love you, and the relationship would not work. Also it was made clear that I should feel as if I earned all the benefits you were bestowing on me, hence my work over the years for you and your companies.