Lightness of Being

Have you looked closely at a fractal? The complexity reflects perfectly what I feel as I experience more and more each day. Life seems to be SO complex. The closer you look, the more you see. Thankfully the speed at which my life is throwing itself at me allows me to both see repetitive patterns as well as the unexpected blinding flash of colour which takes you by surprise, but is just fascinating to view, although often uncomfortable or even painful. Just when you think you have found the reason behind, or the cause, or can explain something 'clearly' to yourself - bam - you turn a corner and find another layer, or another answer to a better question! This is so intriguing, especially if you can experience it's resultant emotions fully without denial. And sometimes you find yourself almost realising that there are more than one 'correct' answer, and even if one contradicts the other, they both may explain the situation simultaneously!
Just when I thought I knew exactly why I was where I am today in my marriage relationship, and could explain it in reams of notes here in this blog, I am prompted by my angel of a brother, to ask myself another question. I have always known that the trick is to ask the RIGHT question... And this one was a doozy: "What was so appalling that happened that cause you not to care whether you were trusted by your husband any more?"
At first this appeared to be inconsequential - however my heart shouted out her answer in no uncertain terms and what I heard from within me was extraordinarily life-changing. A crushing weight has been lifted, and the relief was deeply emotional, I sat for hours just experiencing it, just feeling it pour through me - yes it was a physical sensation - obviously a ton of ignored emotions or previously un-dealt-with 'stuff' was being let go, or released by my sudden understanding. I was left with an immense sense of lightness.
I realised I had the trust issue reversed, that my husband's actions had completely obliterated MY trust for HIM in April this year, and then stabbed me in the back, so to speak, in May. I am sure most couples have a shared truth that only two of you know - so when one takes that truth and exposes it and uses it against the other to hurt or control or blackmail... what else could one expect?
I was so alarmed and confused and so busy picking up the pieces that in the mayhem that followed, I managed to be held responsible for what had apparently caused his astonishingly bad behaviour (my E-Betrayal post outlines the supposed trigger for these incidents).
In this whirl-wind of drama, I completely missed the truth about what had really just happened - only now, in re-living it did I realise He was the one who wielded the knife, and I did not force his hand.
I do remember later wondering how on earth I could possibly have forgiven him, but I had, so I had not dwelled on it - too much else to deal with!
It also dawned on me that due to this destruction of our mutual trust, it was ME who could no longer trust HIM ! Not the other way around - which is what he had had me believing for the past year. My complete lack of trust and respect after those two instances was probably just being mirrored back to me - and answers clearly why I don't care if he trusts me or not, no wonder I treated the idea with disdain!
I went alone to the psychologist even if my husband had left the arena, as I wanted to tell her of this new revelation. I will now take the time to consciously deal with any un-addressed areas of blame and resentment, and also figure out in understanding all this, where to from here?
What I have noticed is that when I look down at my skin, the person showing through is more aligned with what is inside, - I am looking more like the real me -  which is the reason for going on this path in the first place.

...Read the next post for more fascinating developments...

...Read the post that preceded this one, go here: Care to be Trusted?

...Start at the Beginning of the exposure of my soul, go here: The Exposed Me

Energy Redistribution

After our first couples therapy session, ever, we argued the rest of the day and did not stop for five days - it got worse and more uncompromising than ever. I felt very hard and dry inside with my heels firmly dug in the earth. I was ready to write to the therapist to cancel the next appointment - it seemed pointless. His interpretation of what was said during the session is so different from mine.
I just give up... but I have not stopped working on myself, and I now make myself aware of being grateful for even the bad things that are happening, because they show me so clearly what I don't want or can't live with. Within my heart I really feel like I am in a good place, amazingly - it does not always feel like it on the outside, but when i quietly go within, I am happy and at peace.
My Heart made me aware of a startling situation (my Head freaked when it heard this!):

A Mothers' Love

After sending my best explanation to my mother and brother, I waited for their response - really not knowing at all what form it would take. When I received it, I was blown away! Although an outsider would have expected nothing less, I had only hoped for an honest assessment, and anything more would have been a bonus - but this was a validation, a respect for my ideas, my emotions, my thoughts - WOW - I had not expected that. It was extremely comforting and empowering, and of course made me weep in humility.

Lost or Found

I tried my best to explain in a nutshell what was going on: "For the duration of our lives together, I was given whatever I asked for and I appreciated it all, we had an ideal relationship, I worked hard at creating the ideal domestic life knowing full well where my restrictions were, and I chose that path willingly. I created 'us' and loved it.
At the same time I grew old enough to change and mature and become less tolerant of being controlled and moulded and guided. I began missing 'me'  - I no longer had my own identity, having 'lost myself' and lived what 'we' were.
I have now made a choice to have time to be with 'me'. I know some of these phrases seem clichéd - but they are very real to me. As Dad always said - "You have to lose yourself, so that you can find yourself". He appears to have been so right, and I would like to find myself now - why else would we be in this life?

E-Betrayal?

My husbands' reaction to my Letting Go letter the following day, did not start well, describing it as: "... your idea of a sincere and loving epistle meant to impress anyone who did not know the truth of the facts…". He went on to explain at great length the many months where he "suffered extreme distress and emotional strain cause by my sudden change in behavior brought on my menopause..." and that he believed I had become emotionally involved with someone else, and this was 'confirmed', in his opinion, upon his discovery (after snooping in my deleted gmail folder!) of a private email (consisting of two words: Bon Voyage) which I had tried to hide from him by including the instructions "please do not reply to this email". He wrote that this constituted an undeniable breach of trust which we have always valued so highly between us.
Aaaah - THE EMAIL that changed our lives!  He was quite right - but really was it that big a breach? I had apologized many times for this explaining there was not hidden agenda. Let me try again to explain in detail here:...