Let me Qualify...

In a quiet moment, my husband felt the need to, what he termed; "pour his heart out to me and tell me how he felt". I was silent and listened for a while - there was nothing new said, but he was obviously in a mood of reasoning, honesty, and what I hoped was a new perspective, and looking at the whole situation with a bit more clarity. I was not planning on reacting or passing any comment - just the opposite, wanting to be silent and listen. I was passionless, and would not be drawn in - the memory of him retracting any niceties just recently has made me unemotional and not 'hooked' by his words - I will not be swayed by too much hope in his words.

Pendulum Swings

One day when it had been particularly tough, I asked for a miracle….
I thought I received it later that evening when I had the revelation that if I believed in my heart that this would all turn out for the good, that what I was yearning for (my identity, freedom, need to find and be who I truly am) would be the RIGHT thing for me, and thus for everyone else, (I really DO believe this in my heart),  then there is nothing to fear… Fear Naught! This left me with such a peaceful feeling in my heart, and I thought things could only get better.
NOT!
The drama escalated. The behavior vacillated between tragic vulnerability, and panicked, wounded boar, became extremely challenging. The insubstantial promises and wild threats. The lofty aspirations and the absolute disdain. When I wasn't questioning His sanity, I was questioning Mine.

My Truth vs Your Truth

This post is a letter I wrote to my spouse in response to his proclamation « You are a silly little girl and you don’t know what you want ».

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Yes Darling, you gave me whatever I asked for throughout our 22+ year relationship. No, you did nothing wrong, and wanted nothing but the best for me. And I really appreciated it all.

It was made very clear early in our relationship, that for us to continue, I could not be my own person, that doing anything or even wanting to do anything separate from you, or not shared with you, would constitute that I did not love you, and the relationship would not work. Also it was made clear that I should feel as if I earned all the benefits you were bestowing on me, hence my work over the years for you and your companies.