E-Betrayal?

My husbands' reaction to my Letting Go letter the following day, did not start well, describing it as: "... your idea of a sincere and loving epistle meant to impress anyone who did not know the truth of the facts…". He went on to explain at great length the many months where he "suffered extreme distress and emotional strain cause by my sudden change in behavior brought on my menopause..." and that he believed I had become emotionally involved with someone else, and this was 'confirmed', in his opinion, upon his discovery (after snooping in my deleted gmail folder!) of a private email (consisting of two words: Bon Voyage) which I had tried to hide from him by including the instructions "please do not reply to this email". He wrote that this constituted an undeniable breach of trust which we have always valued so highly between us.
Aaaah - THE EMAIL that changed our lives!  He was quite right - but really was it that big a breach? I had apologized many times for this explaining there was not hidden agenda. Let me try again to explain in detail here:...
From my side of the fence at the time, it seemed he had been SO sensitive and insecure - he had changed from an un-jealous self-confident partner, to someone who felt threatened in his position as my 'provider' - as if he no longer felt powerful or useful. (Perhaps this was brought on by the total retirement recently, as his life had been defined by his career - this is my interpretation, but only he could analyse that). So I did not want to hurt him by exacerbating the situation, and I instinctively wanted to keep the contact for a Plan B - my whole makeup seeks security and instinctively looks for a backup plan in all situations where I am unsure of the outcome - nothing sinister.
In this particular instance I thought it would be good for at least one of us to remain in an amicable state with said recipient of the 'betrayal email'.

This email became a turning point in our relationship, and is referred to at every opportunity in any argument. But please could someone tell me, where did my marriage vows state that I may never write a private email to anyone? Even if it says 'do not reply to this address'? which was done because I made a judgement call that he would perceive it wrongly, given his state of mind at the time (clearly I was right, judging from his reaction!). And then after believing he had the right to search my deleted items email folder, it is construed as breaking my marriage vows? Isn't this taking it a bit far? - this was more than a year after the incident!

This raises the question of privacy on social networks, email, internet, cell phones... How much should we demand to know about our spouses' online or electronic private life? In my case, up until now, I did not have one, and I agreed to live by those parameters. I have changed my attitude now and cannot tolerate the lack of privacy and individuality, much to my spouses dismay and disagreement. I would say it is up to each one of us to decide where our boundaries lie and what are the deal-breakers. I would personally like my choices and judgments to be respected as mine - yes I can make a bad call, but we all have the right to mess up too!

An interesting read is a short posting by Martina Mercer on 'Does a modern marriage need Trust to survive?'


...My story continues on in the next post: Clear as Mud...
...Read the post that preceded this one, go here: Love without Need

...Start at the Beginning of the exposure of my soul, go here: The Exposed Me