Lightness of Being

Have you looked closely at a fractal? The complexity reflects perfectly what I feel as I experience more and more each day. Life seems to be SO complex. The closer you look, the more you see. Thankfully the speed at which my life is throwing itself at me allows me to both see repetitive patterns as well as the unexpected blinding flash of colour which takes you by surprise, but is just fascinating to view, although often uncomfortable or even painful. Just when you think you have found the reason behind, or the cause, or can explain something 'clearly' to yourself - bam - you turn a corner and find another layer, or another answer to a better question! This is so intriguing, especially if you can experience it's resultant emotions fully without denial. And sometimes you find yourself almost realising that there are more than one 'correct' answer, and even if one contradicts the other, they both may explain the situation simultaneously!
Just when I thought I knew exactly why I was where I am today in my marriage relationship, and could explain it in reams of notes here in this blog, I am prompted by my angel of a brother, to ask myself another question. I have always known that the trick is to ask the RIGHT question... And this one was a doozy: "What was so appalling that happened that cause you not to care whether you were trusted by your husband any more?"
At first this appeared to be inconsequential - however my heart shouted out her answer in no uncertain terms and what I heard from within me was extraordinarily life-changing. A crushing weight has been lifted, and the relief was deeply emotional, I sat for hours just experiencing it, just feeling it pour through me - yes it was a physical sensation - obviously a ton of ignored emotions or previously un-dealt-with 'stuff' was being let go, or released by my sudden understanding. I was left with an immense sense of lightness.
I realised I had the trust issue reversed, that my husband's actions had completely obliterated MY trust for HIM in April this year, and then stabbed me in the back, so to speak, in May. I am sure most couples have a shared truth that only two of you know - so when one takes that truth and exposes it and uses it against the other to hurt or control or blackmail... what else could one expect?
I was so alarmed and confused and so busy picking up the pieces that in the mayhem that followed, I managed to be held responsible for what had apparently caused his astonishingly bad behaviour (my E-Betrayal post outlines the supposed trigger for these incidents).
In this whirl-wind of drama, I completely missed the truth about what had really just happened - only now, in re-living it did I realise He was the one who wielded the knife, and I did not force his hand.
I do remember later wondering how on earth I could possibly have forgiven him, but I had, so I had not dwelled on it - too much else to deal with!
It also dawned on me that due to this destruction of our mutual trust, it was ME who could no longer trust HIM ! Not the other way around - which is what he had had me believing for the past year. My complete lack of trust and respect after those two instances was probably just being mirrored back to me - and answers clearly why I don't care if he trusts me or not, no wonder I treated the idea with disdain!
I went alone to the psychologist even if my husband had left the arena, as I wanted to tell her of this new revelation. I will now take the time to consciously deal with any un-addressed areas of blame and resentment, and also figure out in understanding all this, where to from here?
What I have noticed is that when I look down at my skin, the person showing through is more aligned with what is inside, - I am looking more like the real me -  which is the reason for going on this path in the first place.

...Read the next post for more fascinating developments...

...Read the post that preceded this one, go here: Care to be Trusted?

...Start at the Beginning of the exposure of my soul, go here: The Exposed Me

Seeing Eye-to-Eye

How do you reach 'an amicable solution' when one party feels hard-done-by? Is this even possible? From which party does the reasoning have to come from? At what point does it get through to the 'hard-done-by' party, that resisting makes it worse or is destructive? What would make them want to be constructive, anyway? In my situation, why does the argument seemingly always come down to his perception that if we do it my way, he gets nothing of what he wants and I get everything I want? Really? How does one logically reason this out? Let's simplify it with examples of differing wants, and perhaps we can work out where the logic is breaking down....

What if I want you, but you don't want me? Then we would have to define "want"- so lets say, I want to have sex with you, and you don't want to have sex with me.

Letting Go

Well... the plot I laid out in My Private Soap Opera didn't work out too well! One month later, to the day, he was not satisfied that his share of the Trade had been adhered to well enough by me, plus, he had broken my deal-breakers by discussing our (particularly my) sex life to others.

During this time, two quotes really struck a note with me: 'Promises are worse than lies, because you don't just make them believe, you also give them hope; for something you're not sure you can do.'
and 'Betrayal of the self in order not to betray another is the worst type of betrayal'.
So once again on this 22nd day of the month, during a precious scheduled time to myself (which was the major part of the agreements we had reached), I sat down and the following words flowed out of me, producing this letter which I presented to Him: