Seeing Eye-to-Eye

How do you reach 'an amicable solution' when one party feels hard-done-by? Is this even possible? From which party does the reasoning have to come from? At what point does it get through to the 'hard-done-by' party, that resisting makes it worse or is destructive? What would make them want to be constructive, anyway? In my situation, why does the argument seemingly always come down to his perception that if we do it my way, he gets nothing of what he wants and I get everything I want? Really? How does one logically reason this out? Let's simplify it with examples of differing wants, and perhaps we can work out where the logic is breaking down....

What if I want you, but you don't want me? Then we would have to define "want"- so lets say, I want to have sex with you, and you don't want to have sex with me.
Can we compromise this so that we both get what we want? The answer most likely is No. So that means there are certain wants or needs or wishes or desires which cannot be compromised - they are black or white, either you get them or you don't. So then, the next resolution would be to get what you need from another source - this means changing ones' need - or not get them met from that person.
Lets look at another demand - I want privacy, and you want total disclosure. One, again, cancels out the other. Another all-or-nothing situation. Unless one is prepared to not have total privacy, and the other is prepared to not have total disclosure. But let's say they cannot agree on the area's in which this is conducted (for example, private diaries, passwords, telephone records, shared email addresses, time alone) - then it is again an uncompromisable situation. In this case, one cannot satisfy the demand somewhere else or from someone else, so once again one of them has to change their needs, or not get them met from that person.
Trust. I don't think you can make someone trust you. You may be able to fool them into trusting you - but ultimately they are the ones who decide to trust or not to trust. Sometimes people can decide to trust someone they have only just met, having no background on which to base that trust. They make a judgement call - based on their gut feeling. Again - this probably has nothing to do with whether the other person was trying to portray their trustworthiness or not. If one's trust in another has been tested, then what can the other do to 'rectify' it? And what if the newly untrusted person has no need to be trusted, therefore no impetus to try and restore their trustworthiness? But if the other person NEEDS to be able to trust them, what, if anything, can she do? She cannot promise - she won't be believed. She cannot try hard - it will be perceived as acting.

Trust implies a need to be met - an outside need. The corollary is - if one does not need a specific outcome or expect a specific reaction or need a certain behaviour from someone else - then one does not have to trust anyone or anything.

I still maintain that true love is need-less. No conditions, no expectations, no needs. Just joy in being. And if two or more are together in joy and love... hallelujah - what freedom is that!

We had a week of mistrust, misunderstandings and argument:

When I concealed nothing, I was under suspicion.

When I acted authentic with no ulterior motive, I was perceived as merely doing what I have been asked or required to do, and am just acting without feeling.

When I asked a poignant question, I was told mockingly that "I am so-o-o smart and so-o-o clever and so-o-o wise and so-o-o perfect and hard-hearted".

When I made a statement of my personal truth, I was told I speak such nonsense, and twist words, am being so ridiculous, and my mind is so messed-up that it is not worth continuing this conversation.

If I challenged a contradiction, he retracted it saying what he said before was just talking nonsense in reaction to me talking such rubbish.

What was the story of the woman who was told she was ugly, but believed in her heart she was not - how did she react? Smiled broadly, amused, as she had been told something funny.

...Read the next post for more soul-searching...

...Read the post that preceded this one, go here: Hilarious Interlude

...Start at the Beginning of the exposure of my soul, go here: The Exposed Me