Stepping out of the Ring

In therapy it was explained to me that how she sees us working towards a positive resolution in our relationship, "depends on how much he is prepared to change his ways". My immediate response was to note that this is highly unlikely - after all I do know something about this man after two decades joined at the hip. When he left to go to his individual session, for what he said would be the last time, and I wished him well and hoped that it would be constructive - he turned to me and said that "there is very little she and I can do to change you. You are set on your path and have decided where you are going, so there is very little we can do. I think it is a waste of time unless you choose to change." I suggested he just start with that statement and hear what she advises, and see what can be done. He left with no response.
Now that I have the privilege of sharing my day-to-day melodrama's with my mother and brother, I told them of this incident, which clearly shows how we are so not on the same page. My brothers' perceptive advice to me was that he was seemingly facing a precipice on the edge of this adventure into a new relationship, and that it would not be possible to shove him to make him jump in. He strongly advised me to "Step out of the ring in which he wants to spar and fight. It's the only sanctuary he has. If you don't go there he'll lose all power to manipulate, obstinate, derogate, interrogate, alienate, castigate and conjugate all the 'gates' he can to regain power, until he closes them all on you."
I was not sure how not participating in the arguments would get him to 'buy in' to my idea of a new relationship and needed some practical applications of this way of handling specific blockages or power struggles - for instance not having access to usage of car, or money. Up until now my reaction to being stringently limited in my freedom of choice, was to act as if it was also okay, that I can live without it, that denying me it did not affect me. (Except if our child was used as a tool of bribery - that would always get under my skin and I would explode). But I think this way of reacting did not work, because he just felt like he got his way and continued to repeat the controlling behaviour.
Apparently I had two alternatives:
"Passive Resistance - or - Leave. Now. No explanation. Go to a lawyer. Know your rights. Exercise them. Take charge. Stop being nice or kind. Stop trying not to hurt. Pull the oxygen mask to your face then help your child."
I know I know I know. The universe seems to have been telling me this for months. And yet I still second guess, think twice, ask more questions, consider more options, question my motives, endlessly...
I had seen a lawyer in the Summer, and am fairly up on my rights - does not make anything cut and dry, though. Given my husbands' character I wanted to pursue an avenue that may lead to a mature, amicable resolution, which we are on with the therapist. If I could avoid some of the big pot-holes I would try this more difficult path.
But getting back to the passive resistance a huge Ah-HAAA struck me with my brothers' answer to my question "What must I do when I am faced with a new control, shrug it off as if it had not been important anyway" - he said; "No. Same purpose. Different approach. Don't defer. Ever."
Of course! My mistake in the past is to let it go and be content, even happy, with another alternative, trying to show him it did not matter so much anyway - NOW I got it - use my resourcefulness to continue with the original purpose or goal without his help, and go get it with other means. I was still thinking like one half of a whole and not as if I could achieve what I wanted without his permission. I was so habituated to not thinking like the individual I so wanted to be, I had not seen another solution to being restricted or controlled or limited.
I ended this day saying, tomorrow may be an interesting day...

...Read the next post for more soul-searching... An Urgent meeting with Me

...Read the post that preceded this one, go here: Let me Qualify

...Start at the Beginning of the exposure of my soul, go here: The Exposed Me