Pendulum Swings

One day when it had been particularly tough, I asked for a miracle….
I thought I received it later that evening when I had the revelation that if I believed in my heart that this would all turn out for the good, that what I was yearning for (my identity, freedom, need to find and be who I truly am) would be the RIGHT thing for me, and thus for everyone else, (I really DO believe this in my heart),  then there is nothing to fear… Fear Naught! This left me with such a peaceful feeling in my heart, and I thought things could only get better.
NOT!
The drama escalated. The behavior vacillated between tragic vulnerability, and panicked, wounded boar, became extremely challenging. The insubstantial promises and wild threats. The lofty aspirations and the absolute disdain. When I wasn't questioning His sanity, I was questioning Mine.

Us? or You-and-Me?

I continued to spell out how I foresaw a solution of a new relationship, listing more examples of areas where our attitudes needed to be revised:
"Once we are both behaving as our true selves, at each moment, then who knows what change in the relationship will develop? Can we just lighten up please? I would like to stop all bickering, sarcasm, complaining, arguments, accusations, nastiness, and only say pleasantries to eachother or nothing at all. Behaviour between us in private and in front of our child and anyone else will be calm, relaxed and positive at all times. Also, let's give up on analyzing everything. Lets start with a clean slate where we both aim for a positive outcome for the other wherever it is within one’s power i.e.: neither will not purposefully try to make things uncomfortable or difficult for the other – that we work off the premise that neither will try to ‘destroy’ or ‘sabotage’ or ‘punish’ the other by, for example; - sending damaging emails, removing house or car keys or locking the other out, emptying out bank accounts, or having the attitude, ‘if I go down, I’m taking you down’ – any revengeful or vindictive behaviour...

Clear as Mud

My truth and what I wanted to release (see Letting Go and Love without Need) was perceived as a complete reversal of my previous agreement - His reply was long-winded but it ended on a promising (and somewhat romantic) note, and tells his side of the story and how he sees me:   "... from the day you returned to me 22 years ago, it has been my desire to spend every waking moment with you and sharing every sunrise and every sunset. Suddenly this last year this has not been convenient to and it is not convenient to any woman who is suddenly on the prowl in the hope of attracting a younger and more handsome mate. So this I do understand .and have no defence for I understood there would be a possibility of this being the consequence of you choosing to fall in love at 18 with a man 21 years your senior.

You made you choice, you took the marriage vows and you have no valid reason to excuse yourself. I love you, I adore you, I enabled you huge freedoms, which you have enjoyed and I want as my greatest wish that you be happy and fulfilled so I am prepared as you know to come to any arrangement to ensure life is a comfortable and fulfilled as possible. There is no limit to the reasonable accommodations I am prepared to concede to ensure your stated wishes..."

However in the days that followed it became clear that he did not quite understand my letter of Letting Go, so within a week, whilst lying in my hammock contemplating my soul, I penned another, hopefully clearer more concrete 'agreement' as Further Clarification: A Blueprint for the basic attitudes with which to live, now that our relationship has changed...

E-Betrayal?

My husbands' reaction to my Letting Go letter the following day, did not start well, describing it as: "... your idea of a sincere and loving epistle meant to impress anyone who did not know the truth of the facts…". He went on to explain at great length the many months where he "suffered extreme distress and emotional strain cause by my sudden change in behavior brought on my menopause..." and that he believed I had become emotionally involved with someone else, and this was 'confirmed', in his opinion, upon his discovery (after snooping in my deleted gmail folder!) of a private email (consisting of two words: Bon Voyage) which I had tried to hide from him by including the instructions "please do not reply to this email". He wrote that this constituted an undeniable breach of trust which we have always valued so highly between us.
Aaaah - THE EMAIL that changed our lives!  He was quite right - but really was it that big a breach? I had apologized many times for this explaining there was not hidden agenda. Let me try again to explain in detail here:...

Love without Need

I continued from Letting Go... "We do not need to turn this into a tragedy. We need to see it as the beginning of something even more beautiful – even better.

I am not suggesting this change in our relationship because I want something I cannot get within it. But rather because I feel your actions and attitude to both our marriage and life in general, are destructive to my feelings of wanting to expand/grow myself. I feel repressed, trapped and constricted. I feel like I have to be someone you want me to be rather than explore who I really am and can become. I am frustrated and feel reduced by your attitudes and actions and I would love to have your agreement to let it go and strike up a course of action in which everybody can win. Please understand, there is NO blame here, and I am most definitely NOT blaming you. You are free to behave as you wish, and I was, and am, free to choose to agree with it or not. I chose to follow your rules for the last 22 year, not grow my own, but obey.

You have asked many times how I feel towards you now...

Letting Go

Well... the plot I laid out in My Private Soap Opera didn't work out too well! One month later, to the day, he was not satisfied that his share of the Trade had been adhered to well enough by me, plus, he had broken my deal-breakers by discussing our (particularly my) sex life to others.

During this time, two quotes really struck a note with me: 'Promises are worse than lies, because you don't just make them believe, you also give them hope; for something you're not sure you can do.'
and 'Betrayal of the self in order not to betray another is the worst type of betrayal'.
So once again on this 22nd day of the month, during a precious scheduled time to myself (which was the major part of the agreements we had reached), I sat down and the following words flowed out of me, producing this letter which I presented to Him:

My Private Soap Opera

When was the pilot episode of this soap opera of my relationship?
This is not an easy question to answer... a reference point was earlier this year when I just HAD to come up with a solution to the very real problems in our relationship which were getting worse - and without having defined or clarified them, even within myself, I took the symptoms and tried to find remedies for each. This was the best I could do at the time. I had not yet gone through the painful months of analysing and distilling the emotions, all the reams of reading in books and online, trying to find some sort of root causes.
After a very late night tearful and emotionally draining discussion, where I broached the subject of what I needed now in my life and maybe we should consider trying it out, and we did... for a whole month, then all hell broke loose...

Improper Love

In a moment of inspiration I came up with the following thoughts on LOVE:
I think the 'proper' expression of love is important:

One must not to expect ANYTHING in return. And neither must unrequited love be heartbreaking!  Love ought to just be 'put out there' and felt fully, and that is it! And conversely, one surely must not feel responsibility towards someone who loves you - don't feel as if there is obligation of reciprocal expression - nor guilt for not feeling it.

If love is expressed differently from this, then perhaps it should not be called love, but some other derivative of it? Or... if it is still love, because it is expressed 'improperly' it will lead to problems and conflicts within yourself.
"The gift of pure love allows you to bless others and accept them without condition, granting them the freedom to make their own choices and live with them, and giving your Divine Self the freedom to do the same."- Neale D Walsch
ED: This is no longer available: I would also like to add the following link to a beautiful photo depicting love without expectation on Facebook - Click Here - beautiful!

My Truth vs Your Truth

This post is a letter I wrote to my spouse in response to his proclamation « You are a silly little girl and you don’t know what you want ».

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Yes Darling, you gave me whatever I asked for throughout our 22+ year relationship. No, you did nothing wrong, and wanted nothing but the best for me. And I really appreciated it all.

It was made very clear early in our relationship, that for us to continue, I could not be my own person, that doing anything or even wanting to do anything separate from you, or not shared with you, would constitute that I did not love you, and the relationship would not work. Also it was made clear that I should feel as if I earned all the benefits you were bestowing on me, hence my work over the years for you and your companies.

Choosing your Box

Sitting contemplating my Sudoku of the day, I found myself suddenly overwhelmingly envious of one of the numbers which I could see could fit into any one of 5 or 6 empty squares. I thought, "Lucky YOU! You, number 6, are free to choose to go in any one of those available little boxes. You are not designated to any box by any form of logic at this time."
Don't we all have the choice as to which box we fit in?

Kick-started by a Free Spirit

This all started with a feeling of:
What I show on the outside of me, does not represent what I 'see' or feel on the inside.

The Catalyst. Yes there was a catalyst... which has almost has taken on a sinister character, given all the disruption it caused. This catalyst could not have been the only one, it just happens to be one that stays in my heart and mind. There must have been many other contributing factors which lead me to start listening to my inner voice more and more often.
One day Someone said something casually, but with such confidence and enthusiasm, which stopped me in my tracks (those same old rutted tracks of our thoughts that we get stuck in). A sort of jaw-dropping moment where I thought

The Exposed Me

I am a soul who has been hidden for too long. It decided this year, enough is enough, it is time to emerge and be visible! What a painful year 2012 has been, and yet I created it - it must be a big lesson I am trying to get through from my heart into my consciousness. But stop it or slow it down - I cannot. And it keeps bursting forth in my notes to myself... which I have always written, but which were never intended to be read.

I have a huge aversion to sharing my real or deepest feelings - this excruciatingly personal process of exposing my soul is so contrary to my past natural behavior... This morning this blog idea just popped into my consciousness (clearly coming from my soul) and it amused me so much.
So here goes, if for no other reason than the irony of it makes me smile!
I thought, let me put my heart-thoughts, head-thoughts, wisdom and soul-humour into a blog... maybe somewhere out there someone is also going through a similar sort of relationship with their soul and they would like to read or share whatever insights my soul is giving me, and perhaps they could relate to this and take comfort in knowing that someone else is going through this cataclysmic change coming from within.
And when I am at a loss as to how to handle the force of the evolution and how it affects ones closest relationships with spouses, children, parents, family and friends - in other words, the world out there, perhaps I could get feedback from other emerging souls on how to put things in perspective,  prioritise values, find solutions, and follow a path of choice.

If nothing else, I will enjoy putting all that is inside, out there! It seems like a symbolic gesture of putting my heart on my sleeve - making my soul visible - so as to become my authentic self.

A note to the reader - no matter how much I share, you will never get a full understanding of the entire situation, and when individual incidents are highlighted, a very skewed perspective can be drawn, and added to that; you are only hearing my side of the story. So please treat these drama's with that in mind - they are not isolated, stand-alone incidents. 

I do not blame, and I have no expectation for apologies. If I understand, then there is no requirement to forgive (does not mean I agree with or condone it). If I have no need or expectation of a need to be met, then there is no fear nor resultant anger (actually, that last one is for Saints I think - I'm still human! :)

"The Authentic Self is the Soul made Visible" - Sarah Ban Breathnach

...If you are keen to read the next post in this revealing story, click here: Kick Started by a Free Spirit
...Or choose from any number of my posts Here: The Visible Soul - listed from the earliest at the bottom, to the most recent at the top.