However in the days that followed it became clear that he did not quite understand my letter of Letting Go, so within a week, whilst lying in my hammock contemplating my soul, I penned another, hopefully clearer more concrete 'agreement' as Further Clarification: A Blueprint for the basic attitudes with which to live, now that our relationship has changed...
I started by way of levity, with the German proverb: A lean agreement is better than a fat lawsuit.
I went on to explain that what I had written prior to my Letting Go letter (documented in My Private Soap Opera), was written before a major change in goals and mindset and that I was now not choosing to revert to the relationship we had before, but rather lay the basis for a new one. Together would be ideal, however I understood he was finding it very difficult to see beyond a traditional way of dealing with the situation we found ourselves in - In fact I think divorce or separation would be the easy option! How about Friends With Benefits? I hoped he would find that through time of experiencing what I outlined, it will become his ideal too. I wrote further:
"In my ideal situation as per my new proposal, is that we stay together, however I do not expect it to ‘be the same as before’ nor to work towards recreating it. I see us starting with a newly defined relationship and following where it leads. I do not see any benefit in ‘splitting up’ in the traditional sense. However this would need to be a mutual agreement of course.
Judgements about my past choices are not relevant to discuss other than to explain the following - all previous choices I made were to create and maintain the ideal relationship (domestic bliss), they were not to make me into an individual, but rather to make me part of a working relationship and I think I succeeded – we had possibly the finest, fairy-tale relationship that I have ever seen – Now I am choosing not to make choices based on living my life to sustain this relationship – that is what my ‘letting go’ means.
How this translates into day-to-day existence, I don’t know yet. The choices I now make will be according to how it feels in my heart, what I’m drawn to and driven by, what represents how I truly feel I am or want to be and experience. (In my ideal situation, you would also behave in this manner and have the same attitude). As I have not operated in this manner before, I will stumble along at first and I am not sure how this will affect our daily lives.
At the moment the emphasis will be on bringing our past relationship to completion, levelling the playing field, bringing everything down to an even keel, wiping the slate clean, and then only later starting up new projects. I envisage our normal daily structure would remain as usual for the foreseeable future."
I tried then to list some practical examples, including:
> "I will listen to your opinions about my choices, if offered, however may or may not agree with them and may or may not allow them to influence my choices.
> I will not take your judgments as my truth but rather make my own choices for myself.
> I am not necessarily interested in being ‘taught’ by you anymore, but rather learning about myself.
> I want to be able to make my own choices and know that when I make them it is okay! A few pursuits I may be drawn to experience in the future are - art in a bigger way, a variety of new sports, massage therapy, alternative healing methods and practices, writing, retreats...
> Both of us being supportive of the other to pursue outside interests.
Our relationship is now not faced with the prospect of falling apart, no matter what the other does – so if they want to ‘buy a Porsche’ or ‘climb Kilimanjaro’ – they shall rather see it as a ‘wonder to behold’.
I would like our child to see that a loving relationship is not restrictive, but one which honours each of their desires for developmental experiences, that these are the most valuable and do not nullify the love, but revels in it.
> Neither party must expect the other to behave as they did before, nor expect the relationship to go back to what it was before. They must respect eachother as fellow human beings. So, if one wants to ‘be alone’ or ‘go away for a break’ it does not mean something else, and it does not mean they are not living up to some expectation or obligation.
> Either divide up ‘the spoils’ (our assets and investments) now, or keep separate tallies, or carry on living as we know how, and divide it up in the future if and when necessary."
I started by way of levity, with the German proverb: A lean agreement is better than a fat lawsuit.
I went on to explain that what I had written prior to my Letting Go letter (documented in My Private Soap Opera), was written before a major change in goals and mindset and that I was now not choosing to revert to the relationship we had before, but rather lay the basis for a new one. Together would be ideal, however I understood he was finding it very difficult to see beyond a traditional way of dealing with the situation we found ourselves in - In fact I think divorce or separation would be the easy option! How about Friends With Benefits? I hoped he would find that through time of experiencing what I outlined, it will become his ideal too. I wrote further:
"In my ideal situation as per my new proposal, is that we stay together, however I do not expect it to ‘be the same as before’ nor to work towards recreating it. I see us starting with a newly defined relationship and following where it leads. I do not see any benefit in ‘splitting up’ in the traditional sense. However this would need to be a mutual agreement of course.
Judgements about my past choices are not relevant to discuss other than to explain the following - all previous choices I made were to create and maintain the ideal relationship (domestic bliss), they were not to make me into an individual, but rather to make me part of a working relationship and I think I succeeded – we had possibly the finest, fairy-tale relationship that I have ever seen – Now I am choosing not to make choices based on living my life to sustain this relationship – that is what my ‘letting go’ means.
How this translates into day-to-day existence, I don’t know yet. The choices I now make will be according to how it feels in my heart, what I’m drawn to and driven by, what represents how I truly feel I am or want to be and experience. (In my ideal situation, you would also behave in this manner and have the same attitude). As I have not operated in this manner before, I will stumble along at first and I am not sure how this will affect our daily lives.
At the moment the emphasis will be on bringing our past relationship to completion, levelling the playing field, bringing everything down to an even keel, wiping the slate clean, and then only later starting up new projects. I envisage our normal daily structure would remain as usual for the foreseeable future."
I tried then to list some practical examples, including:
> "I will listen to your opinions about my choices, if offered, however may or may not agree with them and may or may not allow them to influence my choices.
> I will not take your judgments as my truth but rather make my own choices for myself.
> I am not necessarily interested in being ‘taught’ by you anymore, but rather learning about myself.
> I want to be able to make my own choices and know that when I make them it is okay! A few pursuits I may be drawn to experience in the future are - art in a bigger way, a variety of new sports, massage therapy, alternative healing methods and practices, writing, retreats...
> Both of us being supportive of the other to pursue outside interests.
Our relationship is now not faced with the prospect of falling apart, no matter what the other does – so if they want to ‘buy a Porsche’ or ‘climb Kilimanjaro’ – they shall rather see it as a ‘wonder to behold’.
I would like our child to see that a loving relationship is not restrictive, but one which honours each of their desires for developmental experiences, that these are the most valuable and do not nullify the love, but revels in it.
> Neither party must expect the other to behave as they did before, nor expect the relationship to go back to what it was before. They must respect eachother as fellow human beings. So, if one wants to ‘be alone’ or ‘go away for a break’ it does not mean something else, and it does not mean they are not living up to some expectation or obligation.
> Either divide up ‘the spoils’ (our assets and investments) now, or keep separate tallies, or carry on living as we know how, and divide it up in the future if and when necessary."
As this was a L O N G lean letter...
...I continue it in my next post: Us? or You-and-Me?
...I continue it in my next post: Us? or You-and-Me?
...Read the post that lead up to this one, go here: E-Betrayal?
...Start at the Beginning of my Soul becoming Visible, go here: The Exposed Me
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