Care to be Trusted?

I tend to ask theoretical or academic questions I suppose because I like to view everything from as many perspectives as possible in order to understand them completely - I often find corollary's very informative - it just seems to broaden my picture - and plus I am just interested philosophically or psychologically... Also, words can mean different things to different people, and so definitions can vary, and answers to questions can depend on the definitions of the words used. An example is when the therapist asked us both, "Do you want to fix this?"- my answer was "Depends what your definition of FIX is - if you want it to go back to how it was before, then no - but, if we can find a solution where everyone is happy, then yes". I have discovered that my husbands' definitions of things are often completely different to mine, and so we are now tending not to be anywhere near understanding each other or communicating constructively - this is where I thought the sessions with a psychologist may be of great assistance.
I had not been able not put my finger on my reason for not wanting or needing to be trusted by my husband - why did I not care to even try to win his trust? 

My theory about Trust is that it is something one develops from within oneself - it does not depend on the other persons' ability to secure it. I have tried over this time to behave in a way that shows me to be trustworthy and it had no effect - He maintains I did not try, and I feel powerless to engender His Trust, that I came to the conclusion that there is NOTHING I can do to make someone trust me - they have to take that leap of faith or not. Funnily enough, I consider myself generally a very trustworthy person - more so in some areas than others I'm sure.

Although I do not enjoy being falsely accused (eg: "where did you go to put on those extra 5 km on the odometer?" - when I had not been anywhere different from the usual and have no explanation for the different mileage, except a miscalculation in his trackings), my attitude about not caring to prove my innocence, may be the reason why I am suspected - it seems to be self-perpetuating.
Have you ever tried to prove you have not had an affair? It is practically indefensible - and I will expend no effort on this. And in the long run, the accusations and suspicions could push me into to doing it ! After a year of His believing that I had been having clandestine connections, I remember when it suddenly dawned on Him that the reason he had been left in the dark was because there had been nothing to shed light on. Unfortunately this realisation of His has not lasted long. The effect on me is to throw in the towel and not care what He believes.

We had a very heated discussion one morning while we were alone in the house, which culminated in him writing to the psychologist to cancel any future appointments. The heated discussion started about finances (Our money had now turned into His money) and went onto one of His two pre-requisites if we embarked on a new relationship - He must be able to Trust me, and he must see my concerted effort in attempting to achieve this. He cannot see himself living and sharing anything with someone who he does not trust.
So here is the crux of my conflict - no matter how hard I try I cannot FEEL a need, or even a want, to BE trusted. He says I 'must want this in order for it to work', but I said honestly, I don't have that in me to want you to trust me. (even when I envisage my ideal solution to our situation, and tell myself that in order to achieve this, I have to want to be trusted" - I still can't summon that feeling inside me!). This is when he said - 'well in that case there is no hope for any sort of harmonious resolution', and wrote to the therapist, saying as there is nothing for him to change and it all depended on me, and I am not prepared to even want it, he sees no point in continuing.

So - is there something wrong with me or is there just something fundamentally missing in our relationship and therefore I do not care enough? In fact I did not even think the answer mattered - I just knew I did not.

Phew - deep breath...

...Read the next post for more soul revelations: Lightness of Being

...Read the post that preceded this one, go here: An Urgent meeting with Me

...Start at the Beginning of the exposure of my soul, go here: The Exposed Me