This post is a letter I wrote to my spouse in response to his proclamation « You are a silly little girl and you don’t know what you want ».Yes Darling, you gave me whatever I asked for throughout our 22+ year relationship. No, you did nothing wrong, and wanted nothing but the best for me. And I really appreciated it all.
It was made very clear early in our relationship, that for us to continue, I could not be my own person, that doing anything or even wanting to do anything separate from you, or not shared with you, would constitute that I did not love you, and the relationship would not work. Also it was made clear that I should feel as if I earned all the benefits you were bestowing on me, hence my work over the years for you and your companies.
I chose this route gladly. It was a choice between being with you, or going my own way. I wanted to be with you. I was happy to follow your path because I also believe, and we proved, we had similar interests and passions. It was certainly not any hardship, rather a match made in heaven. Only when I expressed interest in some other route, did it become a touchy subject and over the years resulted my not knowing what I liked or wanted or enjoyed or dreamt of achieving – each time I put away my ‘interest’ (willingly) in favour of what suited you and maintained ‘us’. (A clear example, some years ago I was horrified to discover that when I honestly asked myself where I wanted to travel to next, I did not have an opinion – I had no idea what my heart desired!).
I chose this route gladly. It was a choice between being with you, or going my own way. I wanted to be with you. I was happy to follow your path because I also believe, and we proved, we had similar interests and passions. It was certainly not any hardship, rather a match made in heaven. Only when I expressed interest in some other route, did it become a touchy subject and over the years resulted my not knowing what I liked or wanted or enjoyed or dreamt of achieving – each time I put away my ‘interest’ (willingly) in favour of what suited you and maintained ‘us’. (A clear example, some years ago I was horrified to discover that when I honestly asked myself where I wanted to travel to next, I did not have an opinion – I had no idea what my heart desired!).
You’re right in the 2nd half of your above accusation – I now want to find out what I want!
You had ALL of me for 20+ years.
I was part of ‘us’ all this time, and I loved it.
I began missing ‘me’- I want to find myself – having ‘lost myself’ and lived what ‘we are’. I am now making the choice to have time to be with ‘me’.
I want to find out that I am not someone who lacks substance through lack of experience, or a silly little girl, as you put it. I want to choose what I do, try, study, experience, without any guilt trip of what it is perceived to mean to you. I would love to experience something, and then call on you to come and share it with me in order to enhance the enjoyment. At the moment I don’t want to ‘share’ much for fear of you ‘spoiling’ it with your attitude – eg Artworks – your reaction invariably has been, ‘What use is that? It is such a waste of time/energy’. I would love you to try and see things through my eyes and get a glimpse or just a sense of what I am enjoying about it – to perhaps consider another point of view, or another way of doing something, or another reason for wanting to.
At this point in time, on the short list of ‘knowing what I want’ I can list the following:
- To find out who I am or want to become or what I enjoy or want to experience, even if it is of no interest or benefit to us – I want to be in control of me.
- To be unaffected by your aggressive/combative attitude, not to be influenced by your ‘I am right and you are wrong’ controlling attitude.
- Not to pay attention to any negativity or ridicule of my inner sense.
- To have my privacy respected.
- To mix with people who are positive and have non-limiting ideas and beliefs.
I am sorry you perceive this as unkind to you. I really am not trying to devalue you or hurt you, and most definitely am not trying to make you dislike me, or yourself. I try at all times to see it as it is – just a normal evolution of myself – something worthwhile. And it is up to you to change your perception of it from something going against your idea of what is ‘right’, to something more positive. Only you can do that. I am sorry that at times I have let frustration and resentment creep in during arguments, I have at times not been so strong – I will try to avoid these unjustified unhelpful emotions."...
A quote from Pat Caffrey:
"You have lived with the belief that only one truth can be true, that if one is true the other is false. This is not so. All truths are true and there is room for all of them in one place. Compromise may be made."
...My letter continues on in the next post: Improper Love...
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